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Today is one of those days where I wonder if I should be in some sort of counseling. And then I wonder what the point would be since the only truly actionable advice would be "find a new line of work."
I have been a public defender long enough that I now mostly have murder cases and sex cases (plus supervisory duties). My rural area is thankfully low on murders, but not so low on sex cases. It is generally possible to have semi-normal conversations with murder clients. It is almost impossible to do so with a 40yo man accused of having sex with a 13yo girl. Or a 30yo man accused of molesting his 8yo step-daughter. Or a 70yo man accused of molesting every child in the neighborhood. Or the pick-an-age man who has collected TB of CSAM, some of which is so appalling that just reading the description (much less having to actually see the videos) is something straight from the torment nexus.
Even for someone jaded by years of this work, it is wearing to hear the delusional and horrifying things they say. Some of them don't see anything wrong with what they've done, and some are even proud of it. And of course, if they're confessing to past actions they haven't been charged with, that's confidential information that goes to the grave with me. So they finally get to unburden themselves (or brag) and I can do nothing with it except store it away in my elephant's memory (I am not Funes the Memorious, but I remember far too much).
So there are days like today where I had custody visits with a number of my clients and it would be great if I could somehow memory wipe my time at work.
I second (seventh?) finding someone professionally equipped to talk to. Humans aren't built to handle that kind of thing alone. It's about getting out of your own head at least as much as any practical advice.
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I've done some forensic work and my practice setting gets me more exposure even when I'm working on civilian units.
It is okay to be burnt out by what you hearing.
It is also okay to not be burnt out. Sometimes people find something not triggering - don't feel guilty if certain types of crimes or criminals don't bother you.
Therapy is completely reasonable, the formal, big T-Trauma includes exposure to bad shit in certain vulnerable populations (medical staff, police, etc.). That's not quite you but what you are working with gets you damn close. Trauma... can be bad. I don't know if they do video visits but you can find therapists who specialize in high achieving individuals with a need for sensitivity due to their profession.
The natural arc in healthcare for people working with forensic patients is to eventual leave and stop. Some people don't have the temperament or just lose it because they've seen too much.
I know that's not ideal for you because of location but life is too short to be miserable. If it's what you need, that's what you need.
For me I hold onto the wins - people being jammed up, people who try and improve, people who are upfront and polite, you can pick out good bits and mentally focus on that to fuzz over the bad stuff.
Working deeply with the American criminal population is to some extent like being a veteran. People who haven't gone through it just don't understand.
I hope you find your balance.
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Go to therapy. I used to work a similarly demanding job with a severely mentally ill clientele. The things I experienced weighed on me terribly and friends can only offer support to a certain extent. After a certain point, I almost felt like I was doing harm by telling them these horrible stories that they were not equipped to process or understand. A therapist will listen and listen and listen, and probably offer you at least a few helpful tidbits. Consider seeing one with a specialty in meaning-making or depth work, but I always say the best therapist is the one that is cheap and accessible enough that you will actually go to sessions. Best of luck.
I'm legitimately curious about how attorney-client privilege here interacts with therapist-client privilege.
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Aside from my other PD friends who deal with the same issues at work, I don't share what I experience at work with friends or family. As you note, they are not equipped to hear this stuff.
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Jesus, man. I don't envy you on any of that.
It sure does reinforce my wish that public defenders like you got more cultural respect, though. What you're doing is incredibly necessary for a functioning society, and I'm glad that you've been willing to do it for as long as you have.
It's a good thing I get paid so much to make up for that lack of cultural respect... oh wait.
I don't expect much cultural respect from Red Tribers, but the decrease in cultural respect in the last 5ish years from the NPR liberal set is vaguely annoying.
According to Gallup, only 20 percent of USAians view lawyers as having above-average "honesty and ethical standards", vs. 7 percent for members of Congress, 37 percent for police officers, and 57 percent for doctors. And, according to Ipsos, only 31 percent of people globally view lawyers in their respective countries as "trustworthy", vs. 15 percent for politicians, 38 percent for police officers, and 58 percent for doctors. But are perceived "honesty and ethical standards" and "trustworthiness" the same thing as "cultural respect"? I feel doubtful. IMO, cultural respect is more like "are lawyers cool?" than "are lawyers trustworthy?".
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"The Enlightenment Is Bad Actually (because I've forgotten 'community justice' just means the town lynching anyone who consensus has social guilt)" is intolerably annoying.
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I imagine counseling is available gratis as part of your work? Which may be shit tier counseling, it's always a diceroll, but might be worth it. I can't imagine the shit you deal with, almost as bad as cops. Worse, in a way.
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Go to therapy. Touchy feely bullshit aside, just the opportunity to talk to someone who is good at listening and will be discreet about things is often worth the money. This also describes friends, but I'm not sure even I have a ton of friends who would listen to me vent about things along those lines for as long as it takes for catharsis.
Alternatively, I second the questions about whether you can switch to a less... visceral branch of law.
I just fucking know that if I had opted for law, I'd have turned to drink. Sorry you're going through this.
As mentioned in another reply, I only vent about these things to PD friends. I don't tell friends and family about work, and even my wife is occasionally surprised at things I do at work (like the amount of social work and mitigation gathering and stuff that doesn't seem like legal work at all) because I really, really don't talk about it.
Not without relocating.
I don't even have that, as even mild drinking (like a glass of wine with dinner and then an after-dinner cocktail with friends) started to give me hangovers that wrecked the next day, so I'm a boring sober guy who doesn't even have stories of past alcoholic excess to go with it.
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Well, you could just flame out and strangle one or two of your clients to death. Or write a tell-all book on all of them, consequences be damned. Yes that would very definitely end your career and your life as you know it.
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Would you consider another branch of Law or are you burned out from the whole thing?
I would consider it, but as I live in a rural area (it's debatable whether @birb_cromble or I live more of a country mouse life), the options here are slim to none. I'd have to move to a city, which would bring all the negatives associated with that.
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Was the job rewarding before you reached this level of seniority?
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