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PaperclipPerfector  3d ago (text post)   2352 thread views

Friday Fun Thread for July 17, 2026

Be advised: this thread is not for serious in-depth discussion of weighty topics (we have a link for that), this thread is not for anything Culture War related. This thread is for Fun. You got jokes? Share 'em. You got silly questions? Ask 'em.

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It's only a matter of time until you write your coming out as bi post.

If by "time" you mean the Heath Death of the universe. I'm painfully straight, as in I'm straight and it causes me pain.

A hunter is walking in the woods searching for the biggest bear he can find when he stumbles across a giant brown bear. He pulls out his shotgun, steadily aims, and fires at the bear. The bear seemingly falls into a nearby ditch and appears to be dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, until he feels a tap on his shoulder. The man turns around, and just as he does, the bear asks: "Did you shoot me with that shotgun?" The man replies "Yes", and the bear throws down the man and starts raping him.

In a few weeks, the hunter devises a plan for revenge on the bear. He brings his double-barrel shotgun and is really ready to get even. He walks through the woods and sees the bear, so he steadies his aim, shoots the bear, and the bear falls into the ditch, seemingly dead. The hunter slowly walks over to the ditch, and just as he does, he feels a tap on his shoulder. When the man turns around he sees none other than the very same bear standing above him. The bear asks the man, "Did you just shoot me with that double-barrel shotgun? To this the man replies "Yes", and the bear rapes him.

After a month has passed, the man has recovered and is very eager for revenge. He brings an elephant tranquilizer this time and is sure he will have enough firepower to take down the bear for good. Just as before, the man is walking through the woods when he sees the very same brown bear. He steadies his aim and fires. The bear falls into the ditch, and the man slowly walks over to him. After searching for a while, the man is tapped on the shoulder once again. He turns around slowly to face the brown bear. The bear then asks him, "You don't come here to hunt, do you?

>strong, dominant rapist

I see why many women say they prefer the bear.

I have interacted with bears. But politely, and from a respectful distance. It's the twinks you have to watch out for.

Says the guy hanging out in a gay bar for Pride who enjoyed the attention of having his backside pinched. Suuuuure you are as straight as a ruler 😁

Now ma'am, let's review the evidence like good Bayesians. I spend most of my drinking hours at a gay pub. My friends here skew overwhelmingly LGBTQ: my closest friend in the area is an asexual lesbian (a contradiction in terms, though she reports only 90% confidence, down from 99%, so the market is moving, and I might be to praise/blame for rehabilitating men). The regulars assumed I was in a relationship with a bisexual man. I was not. I just tolerate him because he's a good guy who looked after me during a bad stretch, which I gather is what relationships are, but never mind.

Further data: my younger brother came out to me as gay. At least five independent observers have seen photos of a distant shrink uncle and rendered the verdict "this dude is so gay it hurts." I wear nice Chelsea boots, and spent my first months in this city genuinely puzzled as to why obviously gay men kept complimenting them. I may have written an ethnographic analysis in a gay pub.

Any reasonable model, fed these inputs, converges on one conclusion. And yet:

I was also offered, variously, two blowjobs, a rimjob, and a golden shower. I declined with gratitude. It is good to be desired. It is also good to have boundaries.

I have been propositioned dozens of times, across various states of sobriety, by men. The answer remains no. I appreciate the interest, truly. But I love women, an affliction exactly as inconvenient as it sounds, and one for which medical science has no treatment. My sole consolation is that they like me back.

Says the guy hanging out in a gay bar for Pride

(I was in Glasgow to see a woman. She was busy, so I killed time at... gay bars.)

This all reads like you're halfway to Narnia. I'm sorry.

I'd left my coat in the closet. Next to the real skeleton I owned in med school. I mean, I do own one still, it's just a bit hard to access.

Just beware: when a skeleton dies, it turns into even bonier bones.

My friend, were I listening to a female colleague going on about how she kept being hit on by lesbians even though she was a straight cis woman, and then it turned out she regularly visited lesbian clubs and bars in the company of lesbian friends and was always being identified as a lesbian because she dressed like one and had the regulation lesbian haircut and was having confused hot chicks hitting on her at Pride parades...

... I'd wonder. I'd wonder a lot why she didn't just stop hitting up lesbian bars if she didn't want to be hit on by lesbians since she was so terrifically straight?

"Gosh, why am I putting on these love handles? It sure can't have anything to do with the boxes of Cadbury's Roses I keep eating!" 😁

I was in Glasgow to see a woman. She was busy, so I killed time at... gay bars.

And your wife doesn't understand you, and you're only staying together for the sake of the kids, and you're getting that divorce any day now, honest, so just keep hanging on while we have this affair, O mistress mine. Yep, I believe you!

And your wife doesn't understand you, and you're only staying together for the sake of the kids, and you're getting that divorce any day now, honest, so just keep hanging on while we have this affair, O mistress mine. Yep, I believe you!

Now then, I have expressed fondness for older women, but while I might be visiting Ireland out of boredom, no need to go that far. I like you for your brains ma'am.

You'll be otherwise occupied in Pantibar or the George.

asexual lesbian (a contradiction in terms,

As a boy I had 3 or 4 crushes before I ever had anything like a sexual urge, and yet they were all crushes on girls. "Asexual heteroromantic" would have been a good descriptor. I presume asexual homoromantic people exist too, in great numbers before puberty albeit smaller numbers after.

Bro, no judgment, but you sure talk a lot about how many gay men come onto you (because you hang out with gay men) and then get really defensive about how totally not gay you are. Like, at this point either you're doing a bit, or...

It is a bit? I would hope that's blazingly obvious my man. Would you prefer I start throwing in "/s"? I find that approach crass.

I think you know me well enough that you should believe me when I say that if I had any real desire to engage in happy fun times with another man, there's nothing stopping me. Why don't I? Because I don't care to.

I am not gay. I am not a bisexual in denial. I like putting penis in vagina. I have the self-awareness to find it rather amusing that I find it fun to hang around gay people. I have been accused of having the musical taste of a gay man, but then again, they're the Jews of the music industry (let's not talk about the gay Jews).

It is a bit? I would hope that's blazingly obvious my man. Would you prefer I start throwing in "/s"? I find that approach crass.

If this is just a bit, it feels a little disingenuous. You frame it in terms of whether you mind being groped, but whenever you tell us about this stuff happening, you are implicitly bragging about your sexual desirability.

Not accusing you of doing this consciously, but that is how it comes across, especially since it is a regular thing (imagine a female poster who regularly makes cutesy complaints about how her male friends keep simping for her)

I am not gay. I am not a bisexual in denial

It was more bemusing than offensive. TBH, I'm not offended at all

I'm not entirely straight myself, but from observing, listening to, and reading the accounts of fully heterosexual men, any kind of sexual contact with another male is gross and disturbing. The fact it was just "bemusing" does not sound fully heterosexual.

I find it fun to hang around gay people

You aren't just hanging out with people who happen to be gay though - you're going to explicitly gay events and spaces, where you expect beforehand to get sexually touched by males, and this doesn't deter you. I'm reminded of how people with weird fetishes often want to just have the fetish dynamic just happen organically, instead of having to seek it out:

  • Oh no - I've been captured by a latex-clad, busty blonde femdom Mord-Sith who tortures me (but also sexually teases me sometimes, to uh, make the torture psychologically worse)
  • My wife caught me looking at sissy porn, so now she is forcing me to become her feminised cuckold slave, thus freeing me from the stress and responsibilities of being a man
  • Fascists have taken over and removed women's right, so now I have to have sex with and get impregnated by Chad be ritually raped in "ceremonies" by "Commanders"
  • I just like hanging around gay spaces, and sometimes this leads to me being sexually touched by men. I'm not into though, I just let it happen as a lark. Maybe I should do some light experimentation with them, for a part 2 to my amateur gay ethnography survey

...if I had any real desire to engage in happy fun times with another man, there's nothing stopping me

Aren't you in a (presumably monogamous) relationship with a woman?

It's become enough of a pattern that people are asking questions. It may not in fact be because you are gay, it could be because you've discovered a new subculture that makes you feel at home while you are going through a tough time and helps you connect with your brother (I think you said he was gay?) it could be something totally different. However it's usually because you are gay so even if that isn't it - it is certainly an impression you are slightly giving off.

I well understand why people might suspect I'm gay. I find it amusing, really, since at least to my own satisfaction, I'm as zero on the Kinsey scale as one can get. Adjusting for the kind of floating point error you wouldn't notice on a pride float.

Am I offended when people online suspect I'm gay? Not really. If I cared, I wouldn't supply the material. I'm more annoyed when people take my rather definitive declarations that I'm straight as evidence of denial. Gee, the dude who regularly writes essays about falling in and out of love with women is gay, is all I can say to them. Bisexuality is a harder to adjudicate diagnosis of exclusion, but we've moved past the ICD-10 paraphilia era.

I can only sigh in exasperation. If I regularly defend gay and bisexual subcultures against attack, it would take a particular form of intransigent self delusion to not acknowledge tendencies to join them. I don't acknowledge them because they don't exist

Honestly, there's are plenty of prosaic reasons I hang around with gay people. I started going to a gay pub entirely by accident (I have that essay about the shock of realizing it's a gay pub, I'm not very observant at times), and picked up gay friends. This well predated my brother coming out, but might have contributed to him feeling comfortable doing so. He could see I was more than comfortable treating gay people as human beings, though I can only hope that he had enough reason to trust me before that. Humans are weird like that, he could have told me a decade back and I'd have had his back, that's what brothers are for.

What else? Those environments are, as you suggested, quite novel to me. And there's always some drama going on, I pack my own popcorn. I also appreciate that they're quite understanding and accepting spaces, not that that's for my own benefit. I do not like moral busybodies, not that you can't find them there too.

More recently, I'm seeing a (straight) woman heavily enmeshed in the culture. She dragged me to a drag queen night the first date (I went willingly, I was just curious), and her best friend is a gay influencer. That kinda constrains the option space for me, you know, not that I particularly mind. If there's booze and people to tell me about their mental health issues, I'm content. You only get one of the two at work.

You're heading full throttle into a lonely existence where you wondered where the years have gone.

What do you want? If you just want a relaxing time with nonjudgmental mildly drunken coevals, fine, but long-term I have serious doubts about that as a path toward fulfilment. Humans need a bit of drama and conflict. If you want a break from women, fine, but then you're not even doing that.

There's big writing on the wall here and that you clearly do not see it amazes and saddens me, not because of you but because it says something larger about human's incapacity for self awareness.

Hmm. Can people more au fait with what is current tell me if "Fag Hag" is still an acceptable term or is now a disgusting slur?

Okay, you like girls, you're straight, you're just metrosexual. All good.

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