Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?
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Notes -
God, I hate to be one of those people, but I'm coming here asking for relationship advice. I'm looking for honest, blunt opinions here - the kind that only a stranger can really provide.
My partner and I have been together for around a decade now. For the last several years, she has lived in $(CITY) about two and a half hours from where I live, and where we met.
We've discussed living together, and we both agree to the idea in principle, but we have several enormous roadblocks that are in the way.
She does not drive, and will not accept living somewhere that does not have ubiquitous, reliable transportation. I, on the other hand, have formally-diagnosed PTSD from moving dozens of times throughout my youth, and the various forms of abuse that came with it. The idea of moving is miserable for me; the last time I did it was when I moved purchased my first (and current) home, which sent me into such a tailspin that I damaged relationships with my friends, had trouble at work, and essentially lost six months to righting my life again. The idea of moving to a city is exponentially worse. Therapy has slowly improved things, but the more real and imminent things seem, the worse it gets.
While our attempts to find a home together have been interrupted by the cultural and economic shocks of the last five years, we have proceeded as far as looking at houses in $(CITY). It got so bad for me during this process that I more than once found myself miles from her apartment or my home, shoeless, and covered in scrapes and cuts with absolutely no idea of how I got there. I was depressed, and wasn't sleeping due to the 24x7 flood of adrenaline in my system. This manifested in a whole host of other physical symptoms. It got so bad that my partner and I sat down and agreed to pause our search while I got myself right.
Now, in 2025, I'm doing some soul searching. I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. She is loving, and kind. She is the kind of person that will stay with a stray kitten in freezing weather until a rescue group arrives and takes it somewhere safe. If I can, I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and more than anything I want her to be happy. In all of our time together, we've had our share of fights and disagreements, but we've always been able to come out of them stronger and with a better understanding of each other's needs.
She tells me she misses me, and that she wishes we could be together. She has also told me that she will never move into my home. When we spoke about this a few weeks ago, she told me that it was because my area lacks ubiquitous, reliable public transport. I mentioned that we have a fairly effective municipal ride share program, and that I would be willing to drop a few grand on an e-bike that would get her almost anywhere in the region in about the same amount of time that she could expect if my area has a bus line. I also let her know that my job has a lot of flexibility in terms of hours, so I would willingly and joyously drive her wherever she needed to go whenever she didn't feel like using the other options. Her response was that she didn't want to feel Beholden to me, and that was the end of the conversation.
Like a lot of you, once I'm presented with a problem, it's extremely difficult for me to let go of it until I have found a solution. Several sleepless nights followed.
I started looking at homes in $(CITY) again, and started doing math on what I could afford. I have a reasonably good income, and the value of my current home has appreciated significantly since I purchased it. I have also been aggressively paying ahead on the mortgage to th point where I could pay it off now and still have a full year's emergency fund available at my current levels of spending (which includes paying ahead on a mortgage that i would not have). Despite being blessed with those advantages, I am not sure if I will be able to afford a home in $(CITY) in any neighborhood that she would find acceptable.
That was terrifying. I was fighting the idea that I would lose her simply because we couldn't afford to be where she wants to be. I kept crunching numbers, and investigating neighborhoods, and mapping bus and train lines, until eventually I got a notification out of the blue.
I've mentioned before that I live on the outskirts of a little urban-ish enclave. A house had come for sale much closer to the core. It was more expensive than I would have liked (it would set my earliest possible retirement date back by a decade), but it was bigger than my current place, and newer, and a quarter mile from a regular bus stop, and within walking distance of several amenities and the downtown district (such as it is). She told me the problem was transit, and she told me that she didn't want to live where I am now. Was this a possible compromise?
I broached the idea. She shot it down immediately, citing a new concern - she didn't believe that my area would allow for a career path for her. She also said that she knows it's hard for me to hear things like that without looking at it as a problem to solve.
That kicked the legs out from under me for a few days. She had told me the problem was about transportation, right up until it wasn't. In her new reasoning, she claims that the issue is about career concerns. She works in service , but my area has a raging hospitality industry. When she lived here, she would make as much money during tourist season as she does in a year in $(CITY).
We haven't spoken about it since, because I don't want to go into a conversation as important as this one without having my head on straight. If I can, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, and I don't want to fuck up that chance because I'm not thinking clearly.
I know that I need to discuss finances with her. That is something that I am planning to do when we both have real time to go over it. She may be under some misapprehensions about what we can afford.
After that, I need to talk to her about where she thinks we're going to live in $(CITY) that fits inside that budget. I've done my best to figure that out, but she's told me after the fact after suggesting homes that it won't work for $(reasons) that are not immediately obvious to me as a non-resident.
I'm not sure if it's a good idea, but I'd like to have both of us suggest a few other areas to possibly explore in 2026 that aren't my home and $(CITY).
I have considered suggesting limited couples counseling for a neutral point of view, but that is a hazy and unfinished thought.
I'm terrified of losing this woman simply because I can't get my shit together, take on a mountain of debt, and move somewhere that makes me deeply uncomfortable to the point of dissociating when I stumble into the wrong neighborhood.
Alright, if you're still reading at this point, what do you have to say?
Everyone's saying that it's the feminine thing to deepen a relationship, but there is one masculine thing available - propose to her. Suddenly, unexpectedly, grand gesture-ly.
I suspect that this 10 years of stringing you along will fall to pieces soon after.
Either continue as you are if that is truly what makes you happy for the rest of your life or end it one way or another. The best stories only end in a marriage or a death.
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Friend, I don't like the sound of this at all.
I'm reading a whole lot of you offering compromises and trying to make this work, up to and including possibly sending yourself to the hospital from mental distress, and a big fat goose egg nothing on her end. This whole thing is completely lopsided. When you find some reasonable solution to her objections to moving to your town, she comes up with a new reason/excuse why she can't move to you. This sounds like she's stringing you along. You say you're terrified of losing her, and I believe you, but does she echo the same feelings? I doubt it. It doesn't sound like she cares about you enough to overcome any obstacles to more permanent physical proximity.
I don't like to say it, but I've seen this behavior before. It sounds like there are irreconcilable differences, but really I think she's stonewalling you, stringing you along in case something better falls in her lap. It's also much more common for women to be the ones pushing for more commitment and it sounds like your constant attempts to fix the situation is actually pushing her away. She should be wanting to have these conversations, not ending them with her latest excuse and letting you stew about it. I'm wondering what your friends' takes are on this. It's hard to see these things from the inside.
It broadly breaks down into friends who know her well, and friends who don't. The friends who do not know her well almost universally land on "dump her ass".
Those who know her well seem to gravitate somewhere near "it's not perfect, but if you're both willing to accept things as they are, don't push it". She's stubborn about things sometimes. One of the more interesting viewpoints I've seen was her brother's. He thinks that she'd move up here if she thought it was her idea.
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I think you already know what you need to do. You need to have a fully open discussion about how to move forwards, that includes financial limits, but also logistical/emotional/medical limits and how far the both of you are willing to compromise to move forward, with neither side holding back anything that they'd be willing to do in hope that the other will compromise before they have to. If you're not able to find any overlap, then it's probably time to call it, but otherwise, you'll need to negociate a fair point within that overlap.
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You've been together a decade but haven't been able to be near each other. I'm surprised and dismayed at some of the other comments suggesting marriage or more effort on your part. She's just not that into you.
You say:
one thing that we both agree on is that we should only calculate affordability based on my assets and income. She's doing this not to protect you, but so that she won't feel as guilty breaking up with you when you move to $(CITY). You've been together 10 years, but still don't feel comfortable discussing finances in a meaningful way. She's chained together at least three excuses/goal posts as to why she can't move to you.How often do you even see each other, given your limitations? Is this just an online chat friendship masquerading as a romantic relationship?
I moved for a girl once, and the evidence was similarly lopsided. It went horribly and cost me many things. I do not think it's worth the risk. I understand your dating prospects may not be plentiful with your PTSD and non-urban location, but I would consider informally downgrading this relationship (I unfortunately don't believe this woman will care enough for you to go through a formal breakup) and beginning to search for a true life partner.
This was actually my idea, not hers. I'm extremely financially conservative and she is too. It's specifically because we were comfortably able to discuss finances that we had the conversation in the first place.
Usually, I drive to her about once a month and she hops a train to me about once a month. We get a couple days together when that happens. Holidays are longer, and when her employer shuts down for several days in the summer we get more then as well.
With a 5-hour round trip a net 2x a month getting to see each other is... reasonable. It's just not enough long term. I've recounted before that I've done 2 multi-year cycles of long distance and thereafter swore them off (even for high-quality women who offered to move to be with me).
Regardless of what ends up happening, I hope you find some sort of resolution and get an ideal outcome from it. I'm very aware of how impossible it is for me to understand a 10 year relationship in a few paragraphs of context.
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Yeah, I agree with this. Even if OP was to keep up in the relationship and try to make it work, marriage is not a good idea with how things stand today.
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Revealed preferences. Fundamentally, the problem just sounds like she loves $(CITY) more than she loves you, and that it sounds like you’re more into her than she is into you.
Conversely, it does not sound like she’s as terrified of losing you as you are of her. She doesn’t sound as invested about spending the rest of her life with you as you are about her.
While not necessarily fair or your fault, your PTSD likely only gives her the ick, as does you spinning your wheels this hard trying to forge a stronger level of proximity and commitment. Usually pining for a stronger level of a commitment is the feminine role in a relationship. Suggesting couples counseling would just deepen the ick. You playing whack-a-mole with her city-living concerns only creates more holes and moles. You pushing harder on your relationship merely pushes her away.
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I do agree with this post of SubstantialFrivolity.
My psychological hypothesis based on your entire post is: Her insistence on (1) independent (2) city travel is to keep her options open for finding a better partner. Reasons for this hypothesis are:
Reluctance to sacrifice independence: she strongly resists any move which can reduce her independent mobility (and does not even consider viable alternatives like depend upon you, or e-bikes, or ride-shares). The plausible reason (hidden or otherwise) is that the City offers proximity to social, professional, and romantic networks (much greater optionality).
Shifting the Goalpost: when the public transport thing was apparently solved, she produced new problems like career prospects. This to me, is the most weighted option for my hypothesis.
Optionality in this Relationship: even after a decade, she seems to be very comfortable in the current arrangement ("she misses him" but faces no urgency to create a shared future or overcome the distance). Why? Because somewhere deep inside, she doesn't want to be dependent to the current partner. Particularly, not at cost of Reason 1 above.
The tendency to "Have the Best Possible Mate": If a woman perceives that her current partner is her best realistic option, then she tends to be highly motivated to secure and "lock-in" the relationship (as fast as practically possible). She would be the one to push for togetherness, ready to face inconveniences, and make it work (at any cost). Not make excuses. Since she is stalling and does not show any kind of initiative, consciously or not, she does not consider You as her highest value prospect. (sorry).
In short, while no one (IMO, not even herself) can know her motivations, the sustained lack of initiative from her side, resistance to any inconveniences from her side (even when you are doing the most you can do), intense preference for independent mobility with city independence- all these point towards a mindset of having more options, knowingly or unknowingly.
A woman truly deeply in love and fully invested in a man almost never has such a defensive option-preserving posture over a decade (I really don't believe that). Such a woman would be showing real intent and decisive movement towards union (across any situation), never endless hesitation and new excuses.
This is not to say that I am saying she is bad. But these are her priorities, shown by her actions (actions speak louder than words). They are what they are.
OTOH, you have worked hard to keep this relationship alive, making extreme (to your limits and beyond them also) emotional and logistical sacrifices to try to find solutions to practical obstacles. The demonstration of level of commitment from both sides are lopsided (to say the least). You deserve a relationship where both partners are eager and willing to build a life together - sometimes one side does more and equally number of times the other side does more (never one side goes on doing and doing and the other side never / minimally does). And this relationship does not appear to be anywhere near that level. Accepting this does mean someone has to be blamed (not her, not yourself) - it is what it is. It means to free yourself from trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and actually try to find the kind of relationship / partnership which is mutual, honest, and fulfilling for both sides. Wishing you courage and clarity to decide what is right for you.
TRVTH status: NVKE. The Hanson article “Cities as Harems” is nearing its tenth birthday.
One day, I would sit and read Robin Hanson from start.
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Going by stated preference, you really want to accommodate her wishes and keep her happy.
While her switching to a different reason for turning down the shift is somewhat concerning, people are allowed to have multiple reasons for not wanting to do something. They even state the biggest one first, and in isolation, when they really ought to tell us everything else that matters. The fact that she disagrees with you on the viability of her career in that particular place? Well, that needs addressing.
You need to sit her down, explain the financial situation, and ask her what she wants, and doesn't want. Where did she imagine things were heading? Is she feeling lukewarm about moving in together?
That said, I do wonder what you're doing about the PTSD. The best evidence when it comes to therapy relates to the forms that involve desensitization. If you don't want to cough up the money, I might recommend simply booking a weekend at an Airbnb, practicing packing or figuring out transportation at a new location. Start nearby, same neighborhood even, and then slowly keep pushing yourself till you can begin to contemplate a move. Perhaps consider heavily staggering the actual move, should it happen. I would presume you'd have to sell your house to move into the new one, but if there's a period of extended occupation of both locations, move things over slowly, with friends and family around.
Then there are the more experimental treatment options, psychedelic therapy involving MDMA, ketamine therapy etc. Often both effective from the outset, and particularly so for treatment resistant cases of PTSD. They might be worth exploring if the standard drugs and talk therapies didn't help.
In my actual appointments, we're focusing on recognizing the signs that I'm about to have a full episode and get it under control before it spirals. My therapist has also broached EMDR, but does not believe that we have done sufficient ground work to make it useful without simply retraumatizing me.
In my personal life, I go to $(CITY) when I can. There are a few neighborhoods that are absolute no-go zones for me at the moment, but I can at least drive to a few venues on my own without throwing up on the side of the road and turning around these days.
One thing that I have learned recently is that her sibling and her parents both think she would be better off here. Since she has moved to $(CITY), her support network has atrophied as local friends have moved away. Her sibling lives about five miles from me. Her grandparents and extended family are considerably closer to here than to $(CITY), and her parents are considering moving to that town as well.
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Given the time scales involved, and that neither of you sound like try things out and see people, it sounds like you should propose marriage, and then either figure something out together, or else give up on living together.
If you are sure she wants to be together long term, then six months of feeling weird about the situation can be worth it. Babies also throw everything off for a year or two, but are worth it. But not if she also wants optionality, it would be bad to move to the City, then not have it work out long term.
It kind of does sound like she's making excuses. I had a baby in a 500 sq ft duplex, and taught my husband to drive at 30 years old. Maybe she just really likes City? Maybe she has friends there she would be sad about losing? Maybe she's kind of scared of living together?
Edit: Does she like to move? I'd be more upset about the prospect of moving somewhere I felt kind of unsure about if it was implied that I would have to live there for the remainder of the relationship, and he would freak out if it didn't really work out and I wanted to move again after a few years (by "it", I mean the house rather than the relationship. I would be enormously uncomfortable with the implication that the next time I moved houses would be the last, and I'm pretty sure it would be a complete dealbreaker for my husband).
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Does she view you as marriage material?
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Well, I can't speak to your relationship overall. But as a "city guy" myself, I feel sympathetic to your partner's concerns. Living in an American suburb is just a very different lifestyle from being in a city. A "quarter mile to the bus stop" pretty quickly turns into "1 hour to do anything" when you consider the limited bus service.
Its also just a different culture. Suburbs tend to focus on the home. People live at home, do everything at home, and it's just a totally different vibe.
And yeah, career. It's fine if you're risky settled in one job. If she thinks she might change jobs in the future, what is she going to do in your area?
I know you don't like moving, and i sympathize. But what about keeping your current place, and just renting a place near her for the weekends? Yeah i know that's a huge waste of money etc. But its worth a shot, right?
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I am currently in a relationship with someone who thinks like your girlfriend - doesn't drive, likes the city, cannot even consider moving to somewhere with slightly worse public transport (if you're familiar with Toronto at all, she described Etobicoke as the "middle of nowhere").
If I tried to move us out to even the suburbs - we're splitting up. It would end up in one of two ways: either I can't convince her, and it's over, or I do, and she resents me.
Luckily we're on the same page about this - I also don't want to leave the city core. And maybe public transport is the most salient issue, but there are so many differences between living in a major metro vs even a suburb/small metro that she will be able to keep coming up with excuses.
Because the excuses aren't the real reason - she wants to live in the city. Even if that means living in a grungy, small walkup. Even if the finances aren't that good. ...Even if her boyfriend is hours away.
You've got options:
In the past... I have chosen option 1. (2) or (3) are both terrifying, but definitely, definitely better.
Etobicoke is the middle of nowhere and I'll die on that hill
To one up you, my girlfriend once called Dovercourt "some random suburban street" in a conversation shortly after moving here, I was very proud, and slightly horrified.
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Here's my take, feel free to disregard though.
For spending the rest of your lives together, living closer seems to me like an absolute mandatory requirement. Talk about the emotional costs of the current arrangement. Hopefully you can both get on the same page about this. I think the instinct to wait a bit for the conversation is a good one. When you do have it, though, I think there should be at least a little sense of urgency. Ask good questions.
Frame the conversation. Moving closer, or ideally in together, will require sacrifices and compromises. Just say it like that: we're going to have to make some sacrifices and tradeoffs to make this thing happen and invest in our future, so what, concretely, would you be willing to sacrifice to make it happen? Ask her for if not specifics, then at least the sketch of it. Give her time to ponder if needed. And volunteer some things that you yourself would sacrifice.
On a practical note, if you do move, exposure. Consider slowly easing in to the new living arrangement if possible, rather than make it a giant and abrupt move. Assuming you find a place, practice going shopping nearby, visiting restaurants, taking busses. Go together and alone. Figure out or try to preview some of the social changes that might happen. At least as far as I'm aware, the idea is usually to convince your brain and subconscious that the change is safe. Don't just argue with it, show it the safety. I don't want to oversell this armchair psycho though, because it seems you already have a therapist. Although, it may be worth trying a different one? Sometimes a slightly different personality or therapeutic approach can be helpful.
No one is actually a mind-reader, even in long-term stable and fulfilling relationships. Explore this and see if you can find where this might be the case, because everyone acts like they are anyways. Is her perception of what your are feeling accurate? Is your perception of what she is feeling accurate? Obviously, at least in some major ways, the second is not true. I'm sure the first also might not be super true. Make things a little more explicit, which circles back to my "ask good questions". This is where therapy-like resources can be helpful. I hesitate to frame it that way, but there are plenty of good resources that can really help to make those big conversations go better. There are various "lists of questions" that can be good: stuff like "what does a win-win look like", "what's your ideal outcome and what values of yours drive that", "how can we best support each other in the decision process", etc. Feelings > facts, honestly. The nitty-gritty can come later once you're closer to the same page. A staggering number of relationship issues stem from communication challenges.
Try to both make an effort to be honest about how strongly you feel about stuff. Hell, even put a number to it if you must. The temptation is to sugar-coat the feelings, but long-term that's not very effective. The feelings come out eventually.
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I read the whole thing. Ye of little faith! Unfortunately, I don't see a good path forward for you two. Let's break it down:
And that means I think you two are not gonna make it. Even if she has the best of intentions and really loves you with all her heart, you two have irreconcilable differences in what you want out of life. You can't half live in each other's cities any more than you can half have kids and not have kids. Sometimes you can't compromise on something, and that's the end of the road for that relationship. So even if you both are trying to make it work as hard as possible, I don't think you can make it work. And on top of that...
I don't think she's actually trying all that hard to make this work. Let me give the caveat that I don't know her, and I'm only getting your version of events, which is to say I'm not getting an unbiased perspective at all. But with that caveat out of the way, I think her reasons for not wanting to move are weak as hell and it makes me think she's not as willing to commit to you as you are to her. "There's no public transportation" is imo a preference, not something you should ever elevate to the level that it would kill a relationship. And on top of that, every time you've tried to address that concern of hers, she moves the goalposts ("I don't want you to have to drive me" and "I'm concerned for my career"). At least being concerned for her career is a better objection, but still. The fact that she is following up one reason with another as soon as you address the first, makes those "reasons" come across more as "excuses". All in all, (again with the caveat I stated up front), I don't think this girl loves you the way you do her.
So yeah, for two different reasons I don't think it's gonna work for you two. I'm really sorry man, I don't want to be a wet blanket. I'm sure this is unwelcome to hear. But you asked for blunt and honest, and my blunt, honest assessment is that this relationship is a bust.
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In my completely unqualified and uninformed opinion, it sounds like you should move in with her. You don't mention this as an option, and it might be good to clarify (if only to yourself) whether or not it is an option.
She has a very small apartment. It gets pretty tight even when it's just me visiting for more than a few days.
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Get married.
If the two of you are ready to consider your situation from the "us" perspective rather than from the "you and I" perspective, then marriage makes that explicit. If you marry, you will purchase a home as a couple. If you must move, at least you will know what you're suffering for. If she must move, she'll also know what she is suffering for.
If the two of you are not prepared to marry, than you making financial sacrifices on your partner's behalf is presumptuous, based on shaky and possibly erroneous assumptions. There may be reasons for her switching justifications.
Best of luck!
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Beholden in what regard? Does she feel it'd limit her freedom of movement? If so, is there uber/taxi setup that could solve it? Or does she mean she doesn't want to owe you? If so, why not - if you're going to be a family unit, there's shouldn't be a problem like that - unless she doesn't feel ready to get that close to you.
I'm not sure where is she in this picture? I mean, if you're going to live together, is she expected to contribute to this arrangement? Right now, as I understand, she's living in an expensive city - so she must have some means to maintain this lifestyle? Isn't she expected to contribute something to the future living arrangements?
Why is it it that I am getting a vibe that for her it is not a problem and the current arrangement works just fine for her and she does not want to change it? I mean, by this point it is clear what you want. But is it clear to you what she wants? And if it turns out she already has what she wants, then you have a choice: either you want the same and you walk this path together, or you want something different and you have to lay it in the open and consider that it's a point where you walk different paths. I realize this may be terrifying and painful, but if you want to solve this situation - as opposed to keeping dragging it on without ever knowing where you stand - you must have clarity there. Making huge life-changing investments before you have this clarity will only hurt you more in the future - you will put yourself in a bad situation and you would put her in a bad situation, making "sacrifices for her" which she maybe didn't want you to make, and this will just create more tension and pain.
She currently lives in a tiny, run-down apartment that's at the top of multiple flights of stairs. Her income isn't bad, but she's trying to save. While we would both contribute to expenses, one thing that we both agree on is that we should only calculate affordability based on my assets and income. That way, in an emergency, her income could give us considerable runway while I try to find a new job or otherwise right the ship.
I've had similar thoughts, and if she's happy with how things are, then I am content. Maybe that makes me an overly romantic fool, but I'll accept it. She has told me she wants to be together, but words and actions are not always the same thing.
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I have no real Roma tic experience but it sounds like perhaps she has an image of her future that involves her living essentially where she is now, and that even the core of an ‘urban-ish enclave’ doesn’t fit with that.
It could also be that she finds this difficult to convey and is trying to spare your feelings given your existing terror of moving and the potential incompatibility of her current intended life plan with your needs and budget, thus avoiding causing you harm and upset in the short term whilst potentially causing you upset in the long term (a common failure of very kind people).
It sounds like you care for each other, so I can only wish you good luck talking.
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It, uh, sounds like she doesn't want to get serious with you. See also 'been dating for ten years'. You should break up. She'll just find another excuse.
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