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PaperclipPerfector  3mo ago (text post)   1107 thread views

Wellness Wednesday for October 1, 2025

The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:

  • Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.

  • Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.

  • Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.

  • Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).

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Been feeling very behind in life recently . This latest round of dissatisfaction/anxiety was brought on by my mom having foot surgery last week (to fuse the bones in her foot because there isn’t any cartilage there any more). My parents are getting old and won’t be with me for that much longer. And I guess that has made me feel that I haven’t really used the time I’ve been alive well, especially the last ten years.

I’ll be 28 in November, and I don’t think I’m where I thought I would be when I was 18, at all. I’m not married, haven’t had sex in two years, and haven’t kicked my porn/masturbation addiction that I’ve been trying to quit since I was 21. I’m slower at running (and biking and swimming) than I was senior year of highschool. I’m still finishing my PhD with no end in sight, and living like a college student. I still have many of insecurities about status and other people’s opinions that I did at 18.

Three bright spots though have been learning Spanish, quitting gaming. And taking more leadership both at work and with things like my philosophy book club, running club, and just my own personal hygiene/cleanliness of the house. These things are proof that change can happen with patience and willpower. It’s just not hard to think that I’ve messed up somewhere, and am still messing up.

Anyway, sorry for the self-indulgent rant. Just wanted to get this off my chest. If anyone has any advice I’d appreciate it.

While I had gotten a good deal further than you had at the same age, i still had insecurities in similar ways and my impression was that a it was true for a lot of my (successful) friends as well, so i don't really think success solves this issue, at least not normal levels of success, even if it might lessen it.

My only real advice is to keep your head down and work on the material goals so that you secure your financial future. This will allow you to solve your other problems (but not solve them by itself) and for me almost all of my anxieties went away with becoming a father. I feel like society really understates just how meaningful parenthood is and how it ties you together with your family, community and the future in general.

Thank you for this! It’s what I’ve been thinking as well. I really need to earn more money so I can provide for a family (which would also help me escape from the college student lifestyle).

This type of self-development journey is more common than you'd think. Also everyone goes through a period of feeling the mortality of their parents and themselves.

From the outside it seems like you're doing pretty good. Finishing a PhD is no joke. Also some of your other achievements aren't small things.

Keep doing what you're doing. I wish I had a bit more to add, but you're already socialising in hobby groups and keeping fit. Meeting a romantic partner would nice, but its not as easy as it sounds while you're juggling all the other stuff.

Thank you for the words of encouragement.

There's a new-user filter, and you were in it. it goes away when you get a certain number of cumulative upvotes. No, we can't turn it off. Yes, we'll manually approve your posts until you're out of it so long as they don't break the rules extremely egregiously. Yes, this is dumb, we're sorry. Please just ignore it and comment freely, and hopefully it'll go away fairly quickly.

All good, all good. Just giving you the new user speil. Welcome, make yourself at home!

I have upvoted all three of his posts to help him get out of the hole faster. Is a monthly ‘introduce yourself, the mods will pay attention to approving these posts, regulars will drop by to upvote’ thread something the mods would be willing to do?

I'd be for it.

September 2025 was the month when I really leaned into using ChatGPT as my coach.

Every day I enter my workouts for the day and the symptoms I registered in my hip during the workouts and afterward. "I back squatted 175 for 5 sets of 5, I went to about 80% depth and stopped as soon as I felt any hip discomfort, I only felt any minor hip discomfort near the bottom of the range of motion. Afterwards, my hip actually felt better than when I started. What does this indicate about my recovery process?"

While I've used ChatGPT for medical diagnostics before, but it seemed like only a minor improvement over Google symptoms => WebMD. But here I'm seeing the value in talking to it constantly about a medical problem. Even if a free LLM is not exactly a doctor, but I coul dnot find a doctor around here who understood an athletic concept like "back squatting 50% of 1rm to 80% depth" or "rolled two five minute rounds in BJJ, starting from bottom De La Riva, I felt a minor twinge when I rotated my leg into single-leg X but I was fine working from guard. My hip hurt a little bit after but was mostly better in the morning." And in order to get the kind of treatment for a minor injury where I could bug a doctor with that every single day, I'd have to be playing for the Lakers, and on a big contract at that. ChatGPT can interpret individual exercises relative to the injury, can analogize it to my knowledge of professional sports injuries ("An NBA player with this injury would be out for 3-6 weeks").

Now where I pull back is that it has very rarely told me not to do anything, or that anything was stupid, and that it's just telling me what I want to hear, or that it's a low-cost version of Voltaire's aphorism that "medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature heals the illness" and that my hip is getting better for simple reasons and that I would do the same things anyway and it's just a yes-man in the background. So maybe I shouldn't drink too much flavor-aid.

But it's nifty.

I'm more torn about how I've been using chatgpt as a coach to help be improve my bicycling. On the one hand, it's super neat and super easy. "Hey, why is it that it seems like I'm going faster and smoother on a road bike, but when I check Strava data I'm going the same speed as on the hybrid?" It gives me answers really easily and in depth. But, idk, shouldn't I be joining my local bike club or bugging my neighbor who is super into bikes or something? It's nifty that I can find this out without interacting with anyone else, but one more nail in the coffin of the requirement for social interaction.

I picked up a knockoff chinesium Oura ring on Amazon. My dad has been going through some cardiac issues, and tracking all his various blood pressures and pulse and Blood-Ox and between the feeling that one ought to track one's own metrics and health and a general curiosity I wanted to pick up a cheap tracker. I'm finding it to be kind of an abusive relationship, the ring says mean things about me and I thank it. "Wow I am really stressed, I better not do anything, thanks ring!"

Lastly, question, are there any alternatives to Strava out there? When I was using it much more occasionally, I didn't care about the subscription features, but now it's kind of annoying me that it's constantly advertising gated features I don't need and being sort of annoying about it. I'd pay $20 up front for something like that, but I don't want a subscription.

alternatives to Strava

For social, no idea. For tracking/logging, I like intervals.icu.

I'm finding it to be kind of an abusive relationship

I don't think any wearable measurement that includes the word "score" (stress, sleep, recovery, readiness, ...) is worth a thing after the cost of potential nocebo is accounted for (see e.g. https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/bad-bedfellows), for what that's worth.

Interesting, I have the opposite experience with sleep trackers. Rather than feeling wracked with guilt for feeling energetic despite my low sleep score, I feel confused because unless my sleep score is >90 (Garmin) I feel at drowsy and a little sluggish.

Are there any among you who try to limit your screen time, or especially phone time? I've started using a timed blocker app to ensure that I spend my early mornings doing something other than scrolling X. I have been surprised at the extent to which I had acquired some kind of muscle memory that makes me pick my phone up every few minutes to check notifications; but I may have broken that now. Wondering if anyone else has similar or related experiences.

I often just leave my phone in another room and that solves that.

That said, I work in front of a screen all day with little supervision and tonnes of microwaits where the computer is slow than me by between 5 seconds and 5 minutes, so it's easy to get distracted with stuff I don't endorse. On the other hand at least it's usually the Motte or longer Youtube videos, rather than more heavily Now, This content.

I find paper puzzles like sudoku or crossword puzzles or word searches pretty good for a “I got a few minutes, not enough for something deep and time consuming, but I don’t want to stare into space” time. You can just get one or two answers, get interrupted and go back again quite easily.

For general screen-time, I've kinda given up. I work in front of a screen for 8-10 hours a day, and in the evenings I spend 2-4 hours staring at another screen recreationally. Yay. 12h average. I wish I could afford to switch careers. I wish I still lived where there was anything to do, locally, after dark. But alas, not for now. At least weekends are mostly screen-free.

Phone-time is easy though. Don't consume shit. There, the phone is now just a regular tool without addictive properties. I just plain don't use any doomscrolling things. The closest equivalent I have is The Motte. The most addictive thing on my phone is probably the kindle app. So the phone just stays in my pocket unless someone calls.

Let me reiterate: Just fucking don't consume addictive shit. Stop it. Put it down. Uninstall it. Remove the bookmarks. Slap yourself on the hand when you notice yourself doing it. That's what my 4-year old does when she notices herself doing something by habit that she knows she shouldn't. That, or hide where I can't see her and do it anyways. But you aren't four years old! If you find yourself suddenly smoking again even though you've nominally quit, then the right move is to NOT "just finish this pack", but to spit the damn thing out and throw the pack into the nearest garbage bin, and then ask the nearest passerby to give you a solid slap in the face.

Now excuse me, I have to go on a two-hour wiki binge.

I was horrified to see that I spent 7 hours looking at my phone yesterday.

The biggest challenge for me is finding a replacement which allows for frequent interruption without diminishing enjoyment. Memes and X threads take a seconds to consume, so if one of my many children spills a cup of milk or bumps his head I can easily put the phone down. Even smartphone games require too much unbroken engagement. I would love to read some of my many books, but I've tried and I just end up reading the same page 47 times.

I can only say again what I keep saying over and over only to be told that it's impossible:

Don't even try to look at your phone when kids are around.

I could expand on this, relay my experiences on the topic, and how I am very, very convinced that this is the only remotely sensible way - but everyone nowadays is addicted to the little screen, so why bother. Nobody will follow this advice. There will be excuses.

Edit: Oh well, I ended up writing a screed anyways:

If you stick to it, it will make your life a lot easier, and your interactions with the kid a lot better.

But yes, you will have to just suck up those brief moments of "This feels like three seconds of downtime in which I could twist open the dopamine faucet." and instead tell yourself "No. Now is child time.".

Which isn't to say that the child needs uninterrupted attention. Far from it. But you have an example to set, and the example shouldn't be "Goes for immediate gratification at a second's notice." or "Turns into a drooling zombie two hundred times a day.". Either do something with the kid, or at least do something useful that the child does well to observe.

I see far too many people who are annoyed by their children, and keep bitching at them or ignoring them, because above all what the children are to them are interruptors of the dopamine flow. And that is, IMO, very unfair to the kids, and very counterproductive for the parents/grandparents/nannies. And they do it just to doomscroll. It's disgusting. I wish people would stop that. I wish I could pry my wife away from her phone in such a way that it doesn't snap back into her face at the first physical opportunity. I wish my parents would stop cracking open their notebooks and tell the grandkids to shut up as soon as they arrive at home. I wish I wouldn't see parents dragging their kids along the street with one hand while staring at their phone with the other, chewing them out all the while but never looking them in the eyes. I wish they wouldn't all park the kids in front of the TV so they can get back to staring at screens. Screens, screens and sugar all day every day. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. I can have a full and productive day with the little one, without trying to shut her off so that I can favor my addictions instead, and after such a day relax and do something for myself in the evening and actually feel that I deserve the rest. God's gift to mankind: Children sleep longer than adults. I am far from perfect, a creature of many failures, but this is one thing that I am convinced I do right, or at least less wrong than most. I wish others would follow suit.

But it isn't to be. Humanity is fucking over.

But you have an example to set, and the example shouldn't be "Goes for immediate gratification at a second's notice." or "Turns into a drooling zombie two hundred times a day.". Either do something with the kid, or at least do something useful that the child does well to observe.

I think this is underappreciated for many. Monkey see, monkey do is a real thing, and if kids see their parents all day on their phone at every available opportunity, what are the kids going to want to do? No wonder the kids are all screen addicts (as if the screens themselves weren't addictive enough).

Thanks, I enjoyed the screed. I'll respond with some only slightly on-topic rambling.

I've reflected on my phone use before (as well as my alcohol use) and I've concluded that I don't actually really enjoy either of those things much in isolation. When I'm having a great day doing something fun and active I rarely drink or look at my phone. When I'm at home scrolling/and or drinking, I'd actually rather be doing any of the following:

  • reading a book
  • sitting in silence
  • making small handicrafts
  • listening to some relaxing music at a low volume
  • enjoying a cup of tea

What I think I really want is some inward-oriented quiet time. My wife and I are introverts, before having kids we would spend entire (romantic!) evenings together exchanging only a few words. Now I have a job that requires me to talk/message all day, multitask, and manage human relationships. But when I go downstairs, instead of peace and quiet, there are 4 small children hitting each other, jumping, screaming, and otherwise causing a ruckus. Which is great, I love my kids to death. Still, I need time to recharge in between work and home life, but I don't get any. I'm trying to cut booze so I live to see 60, and so I scroll.

I know the scrolling is bad, but the alternative is losing my temper or just bottling everything up. The former is bad for obvious reasons and the latter impacts my sleep and I sometimes end up staying up late and only getting a 2-3 hours of sleep due to stress.

I suppose my point is that not everyone scrolls out of laziness or neglect. That doesn't make it okay. Just wanted to give a different perspective. I suppose I need to somehow find time to decompress between work and home life. Tough to do when working at home in a small poorly soundproofed house.

screen

screed?

Yes, thank you. My fingers outpaced my eyes.

I'm going to try it.

Let me know how it goes. It is a heart-topic of mine, as the Germans say.

I'm doing a pretty bad job, but I'm at least more aware of how much I stare at my phone. I've started putting it down more and trying to pay attention to what's going on.

One helpful development is that my 1 year old has started toddling up to me and straight-up slapping my phone out my hand or grabbing it and tossing it aside before shoving a board book that she wants me to read right into my chest. Can't argue with that.

I did a detox fairly recently and I think the key is to find some other activities that you replace scrolling with to help ease the cravings. I found if I had things like books, puzzles and art supplies or writing supplies close at hand you can choose to scratch the itch in more useful ways.

It’s rough because I’m discovering that the screen itself is a hyperstimulous and therefore when you use a screen for an activity it creates a sort of craving for more screen time. Even switching to a soduku app instead of a paper book makes a difference— I’d crave my iPad to play soduku where I could take or leave a soduku book or crossword book. Realizing this is valuable to me, and really kind of scary. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s hard to get away from the idea that screens are generally the worst way to handle anything, and that they really need to be treated like any other potentially addictive stuff.

I’m personally skeptical of time blocking because of this addiction aspect. Making rules around how you use an addictive substance not only isn’t recovery, but is often used as a way to say “I don’t really have a problem.” If you have a drinking problem that you’re pretending to control because you only drink after 5pm or only on weekends, not only are you still addicted, but you’re impeding your recovery. TBH I’ve often used such things as a quick test of addiction— if you are saying something like “not me im in control because I …” that’s a huge red flag.

Interesting take on time blocking, think you are right. I have pretty strict blocks on my computer (internet will block itself after 9pm for example). But the blocks don’t really deal with the fundamental problem, which means I’m always looking for ways around them.

I don't limit screen time necessarily, but I have recently been avoiding social media / video games / reading fiction before 2pm, and have had excellent results. I use the self control blocker on a mac.

How many folks on the motte are into "emotional work," or self improvement, therapy, etc?

I have found a lot of value in practices designed to get you in touch with your emotions like somatic emotional meditations, loving kindness meditation, and even some IFS style stuff where you say loving things to yourself in the mirror, etc.

Unfortunately, being a relatively conservative Orthodox Christian, I find it quite difficult to explain the benefit of these practices to others in my social circles. I'm admittedly a relatively recent convert (in the last few years) but I do take the faith very seriously.

Anyway, just curious if other people here are open to this sort of thing?

Ideal Parent Figure meditation (combined with schema therapy in the guidance) is awesome.

I say the Jesus Prayer a moderate amount.

I'm also into Jungian psychology, but not super seriously. LLMs are good at that kind of thing, because it mostly matters whether something resonates and is meaningful, like dreams or fairy tales, which people will notice for themselves.

Hah, yeah it's in my flair. Or a version of it at least.

I will pray the Jesus prayer reflexively sometimes, I tried to practice hesychasm for a while and kept being frustrated with it, eventually my priest told me not to worry about it and meditate/pray in a way that helped me feel closer to God.

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