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Does anyone have any advice around relationships counselors in Western countries? Particularly regarding 'counselors' (eg did a counseling course with accreditation) vs actual trained psychologists. I'm looking at seeing one individually, but unsurprisingly there aren't any male counselors available so I'm trying my luck with a female one. I'm concerned that a woman won't be able to properly empathise with a male point of view, and might balk at certain 'how the sausage gets made' conversations.
This isn't for anything critical, just relationship advice regarding my specific situation (with details I wouldn't share here, even incognito).
Here in the States, having a MSW is actually a prerequisite for the additional coursework that goes with each particular specialty in question, as is practicing in residence under another licensed mental health professional (LMHP) within the same discipline, such as a licensed professional counselor (LPC) or a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). If your concern is that they're not equivalent to a trained psychologist, then you can rest easy--LMHPs in general meet that bar and then some. That said, just because and individual has managed a graduate degree and a license, that doesn't necessarily make them a good counselor or therapist. Like all LMHPs, a good counselor or therapist is worth their weight in gold, as there are plenty of, well, not-so-good ones out there. Just like finding a good PCP that will actually listen to your concerns and tailor their advice/treatment to you accordingly, good counselors that will do the same do exist, but you might not necessarily find one your first time out of the gate, so I'd advise patience and willingness to go elsewhere to find a good fit. One other thing to address is that since you're doing individual counseling, as a rule good individual therapy will focus your needs, and any relationship counseling will come from the perspective of what is best for you, regardless of whether or not that's at odds with what is best for the relationship. Relationship counseling, OTOH, focuses on treating the relationship and not the individuals. FWIW, judging by your other reply, it sounds like individual therapy is the way to go.
And because we're on the subject, I've also had experience with doing relationship counseling in my marriage, and my situation was similar to /u/RenOS below. Despite being an LPC herself, my wife genuinely acted as if the purpose of marriage counseling was, for lack of a better descriptor, to make me "do right". Our marriage counselor (who was an LPC as well) quickly twigged to my wife's particular issues, which to be fair to my wife are rooted in massive childhood trauma, and although she didn't focus specifically on that, all it took was several sessions' worth of trying to work with that before my wife abruptly ragequit. It took another year and another separation, during which time we each had to come to grips with our own shit, before we were actually able to start doing things differently.
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N=1, but I had the amusing situation that while my wife talked me into going to a counsellor with her and I thought it's going to be a huge waste of money just to get someone to side with her, the (female, older) counsellor actually ended up being more sympathetic to me, if anything. It took only two appointments until my wife agreed that it was too expensive, and inconvenient for other reasons anyway. She also seemed somewhat mollified afterwards, so I guess it was worth the money after all.
This is just me speculating based on general life, but I wouldn't expect men to necessarily be more empathetic to you, unfortunately. Men can put women on a pedestal just fine. Especially if you're reasonably attractive & socially competent, you almost always can leverage some attraction/sympathy to your benefit, and that goes for both sexes. I'd say your best bet is a no-nonsense older married woman with kids (ideally teenage/adult sons with shitty girlfriends, but that's probably hard to find out). Those are both most likely to be sympathetic in my experience, and will usually have no problem being pragmatic. It's also important to start out nice and friendly at the first appointment, talk about her private life and be empathetic to her, which will allow you to both gauge whether she's the kind of person you want to get counselled by, and also to simply make her empathize back. Our counsellor was pretty open and happy to share, obviously nothing super-private, but she also though that a good match is important for counselling to work.
I'll keep it in mind to build some rapport before dumping on them. Luckily I'm doing individual counseling only, so I won't need to worry about them taking sides. I'll be the only one they meet.
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In the US, you'd be looking for an LMFT. I've noticed male ones on psychology today in most major cities. If you're looking for individual care, then telehealth is the way to go. Expands your options by quite a bit. If you are in California or Massachusetts then I know a couple I would recommend.
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I am dating a zoomer who thinks “Everyone should go to therapy regularly even if there are no specific problems, it’s just a health checkup for the brain!”. This means, apparently, both singles therapy and couples therapy. We have just the one female counsellor who serves all three roles (her individual sessions, my individual sessions, and the couples sessions). Which I’m sure must be a conflict of interest, but whatever, I go to indulge my adorable basket case of a zoomette, not to be the professional ethics police.
Sample size N=1, but I have absolutely found, as you suspected, that she is completely unable to empathise with the male perspective on anything.
Absolutely. Assuming you're American, this is enough of a conflict of interest that your therapist could potentially lose her license were you or your girlfriend to file a complaint. It's also all-too-common behavior, unfortunately.
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Sounds like you might need a reliable therapist in the future, after all.
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