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PaperclipPerfector  1d ago (text post)   1629 thread views

Small-Scale Question Sunday for November 16, 2025

Do you have a dumb question that you're kind of embarrassed to ask in the main thread? Is there something you're just not sure about?

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Probably better suited for the wellness thread, but w/e.

Are any of you pathologically secretive/have problems with feeling excessive amounts of shame? Or, even better, have you been secretive beyond what is necessary in the past and then managed to move past that stop being that way?

In real life I’m a pathologically secretive kind of guy. My phone’s wallpapers are always set to the default image. I never wear graphic T-shirts or any piece of clothing that could be considered a statement. The walls of my apartment are mostly plain. I’ve always been this way – I remember how I’d always pause my games as a kid when parents came into the living room where I was playing on the family TV. I wasn’t even playing anything particularly embarrassing at the time, it was more often than not FIFA or some racing game, something completely normal for a schoolboy to be playing! I just always had the weird connection “personal = embarrassing = has to stay hidden” in my head, even about the most innocuous things. I don’t think there was any kind of inciting incident that led to me ending up this way either – my mom, who I lived with, was not particularly strict, I wasn’t getting bullied at school and did not experience any particular serious trauma that I can think of.

I suppose it’s a function of lots and lots of internalized shame, social anxiety and low self-esteem, as I’m, and have always been into a lot of things that are niche and kind of embarassing (think of a generic weeby neckbeard's interests and that's me). I can’t bring myself to outright lie to others or myself by constructing a fake socially approved identity, but I also diligently hide my power level, so the result is that I come off as a very plain, unremarkable if somewhat awkward dude.  Although it goes beyond hobby stuff – I remember having trouble doing anything on my laptop during class in college, unless I was sitting in the corner at the very back of the class, where no one could see my screen. Some dudes in that classroom were pretty openly playing League, and here I was, struggling to open the file containing the essay I was working on for another subject.

This approach to life probably helped me avoid my fair share of public embarrassment, but it hasn’t won me many close friends either. By now, I’ve come to consider it much more of a liability than an asset. I feel terrible even playing video games in front of my girlfriend, who also enjoys them, in my own home, for Pete’s sake, and that’s definitely not a great way to live.

So, if any of any you Mottizens have experienced something similar, how did you move past it? Or does it still haunt you to this day?

I have at least some elements of this. Though mostly not quite as bad as some of the other posters in this thread. I think some of mine is probably a little ridiculous and excessive, and some is quite justified.

I never had much appetite for participating in traditional social media. The kind like Facebook and Instagram where you're expected to have an account under your real name and accumulate as "friends" everyone you've ever known, or even met for a few minutes one time. I just can't think of anything I really want to post or show to such a huge variety of people. I've pretty much abandoned the original accounts I had on these and never even check them at all. All of the bad behavior and dark patterns of big tech don't particularly help and provide additional justification, but I think that feeling is the actual core reason for me. So I do the majority of my online social interaction in relatively small group chats of people I know well. I think this is probably healthier overall anyways.

I do feel an urge to conceal things I look at at work, where we're all in a big open office with everyone's screen visible. I think I've managed to keep it mostly under control. I tell myself that nobody's going to pay attention to a big wall of text, so it doesn't matter what it says. I try to avoid having any pictures or video displayed too long and often switch out of "personal" browsers when someone comes by my desk.

Strangely, I actually feel the complete opposite sometimes. I actually love performing on stage in front of big audiences. Always have, never needed to do any particular trick or technique for it. Maybe it's because I'm consciously putting on an act, or that there's so many people that none of them really "count" as people. I'm not quite sure.

I think I like showing only certain parts of myself to most people and social groups. I think I've always had a bit of a split personality. I have a need for a certain amount of spice in my life, and probably some of the things I've done or enjoy would really shock and put off some of the tamer groups I'm around, like most work people, tech-related groups, probably most rationalist-sphere groups. So I mostly hide that part of myself in those places. I also enjoy nerding out on things, understanding things in way too much detail, writing excessively in-depth effortposts here sometimes. I know some of the more out-there people I'm friends with don't care to hear that sort of thing, so I hide that part of myself around them. Is this excessive hiding, or just reading the room and fitting in to social groups? I'm not entirely sure. I feel mostly pretty satisfied with my friendships, even though I don't think any one person really gets all of me.

It's incredible how common this is on this particular site. I would say I am similar. Other behaviors I think fall in the same category:

  • In video games that let you choose the main character's name, I always go for the canon/default name
  • I use a plain black screen wallpaper/screensaver for all my devices
  • I rarely give my actual name when asked at a shop (I have 4-5 that I cycle through)
  • I feel discomfort handing over my credit card anywhere because it has my name on it
  • probably many others that are like water to a fish

I have a sneaking suspicion these have some correlation with schizoid personality disorder (which I presume is also heavily overrepresented here), but no psych expertise to really back it up.

This is my hole pathology! It was made for me!

I don't want to waste space or hijack the thread by describing my experiences here, but suffice to say it's bad, to the point more or less exactly this tendency estranged me from my family (whose likely absent scrutiny I cannot bear, I can barely even talk about videogames with my sister) and blew up my last LD situationship where I repeatedly failed to respond accordingly to a woman bluntly and overtly hornyposting at me over an extended period.

It really fucks with my life at this point and is definitely not worth the 'upsides' if there ever were any, and I wish with all my heart to ditch this retarded habit, but so far little progress has been made. Internalizing that barely anyone cares about your 'inner life' hasn't helped, especially since like @faceh below I am actually the sort of person who Nootices and keeps track of off-key moments in other people. Alcohol helps with shame/cringe in the moment, but has no lasting effect, and increasing alcoholism has also increased the amount of alcohol needed to achieve the salutary effect. Sharing small things with friends unfortunately requires friends, which I have, but not the "kind"(?) I feel comfortable exposing my power level to. Even in waifutech-related communities (which I initially joined explicitly as an attempt to fight this stupid reflex), as an anon/pseudonymous poster under a totally separate identity, I find it extremely hard to just put my metaphorical balls on the table by shitpoasting in threads or posting explicit coomer shit (even though I suspect I am virtually a saint compared to the median denizen). Hell, writing this post has taken several shots, with me literally forcing myself to pick the phone back up (which I am suddenly very interested in laying down and doing something else) and continue writing.

I've been attempting to do "exposure therapy" by putting myself out there, on Halloween I showed up to the office in a (literal) robe and wizard hat with a tarot deck to do readings with. It was kind of a success even, I expected to play it as an ironic bit but normies people actually took it completely straight without batting an eye, and were even delighted that the ever-reclusive Rayon who never wore anything other than a plain black shirt has a quirky side after all. I don't feel any different (and mumble noncommittally whenever this is brought up) but I guess this is the kind of thing you just have to keep doing.

Next step is posting something embarrassing online but for now this post will do I suppose. I commend you for writing this and giving me the excuse to blogpost leech off of it, I thought of asking more or less this question myself sometime back, but could never actually sit down and commit it to keyboard. My condolences, couldn't have been easy.

I showed up to the office in a (literal) robe and wizard hat with a tarot deck to do readings with. It was kind of a success even, I expected to play it as an ironic bit but normies people actually took it completely straight without batting an eye, and were even delighted that the ever-reclusive Rayon who never wore anything other than a plain black shirt has a quirky side after all.

That's really cool. And may we never forget bloodninja; perhaps we can fix AI gooners by LoRA-ing the models they talk to with his work.

My recommendation: pick something ridiculous to wear e.g. a huge hat, or a neon-colored suit jacket, or cowboy boots, or full cosplay of an anime character. Go for a walk in a crowded place. You will feel like you want to die for a moment (up to an hour or two), and then you will not. Probably.

(Link shows me and now-wife at a friend's wedding in 2021. Since your case is pretty severe, I'd recommend to start smaller than that.)

I hope you are still getting mileage out of that suit!

Just want to tell you you're not alone, I have done many of the same things (dimming the laptop screen a lot to make it hard to read even though I'm literally just using it to take notes in class, video game hiding despite not being anything weird or wrong). These are weird things to do I think, and I have done them, although perhaps I'm different than you in that I have not done them as much with family, as I tend to let this "guard" down once I really get to know someone/they are family. I agree it's a bit of a liability, so I am curious what people say in the comments regarding how to get past it. Keep in mind I am only in my early 20s and only recently has it occurred to me this is something that is a problem, so don't feel bad that I haven't moved past it yet, and probably only recently you have really started to consider this a liability. I believe it can be moved past, let's see what people suggest.

Used to be. Up until approximately age 30, I fit that description of yourself to a Tee.

I've mentioned before how I kept all my online profiles across various sites and forums separate to maximize opsec and avoid anyone tracing any particular statements back to me, the real life persona. And I diligently avoided exposing all but the most innocuous details about my personal preferences. Finding someone (my Ex) who I could let down my barriers with was a huge relief in that regard.

But eventually you learn that you vastly overestimate how much any person will actually care about certain details about your personality and tastes. Unless you are actively seeking attention upon yourself very, very few people will even remember learning that you like [band] or even that you find [porn type] alluring will barely budge any person's opinion of you, since its probably not a major concern of theirs anyway.

And the people who DO care are ones you can usually avoid and are best to avoid anyway.

I STILL do place a premium on personal privacy. I like to think I'm a 'hard target' when it comes to getting me to reveal personal details that could be used against me, be it passwords or embarrassing anecdotes from my past.

How to move past it? Oof. Well, try intentionally exposing some detail about yourself that you consider incriminating or embarrassing to someone whose opinion matters to you. It shouldn't be something illegal or particularly salacious, just something you worry would lower your status or lead to conflicts if it came out.

And then see how they react. Which most of the time will be completely nonchalant. Then see if they ever bring it up again.

Then internalize the idea that most normies go through life with minimal awareness or attention paid to the 'weird' behaviors of those around them, and never feel any inclination to use information about others to undermine them or attack them.

I eventually had the realization that despite my best efforts, a lot of information I tried to keep secret was leaking out anyway to friends and acquaintances and they just... didn't care. Or in fact just found it normal and acceptable and not actually embarrassing.

Here's my dark secret though. I DO notice aberrant behaviors or preferences of others. I DO judge them internally for it. And DO store that information for potential later use.

This process feels completely involuntary to me, my brain just pays attention and notes that this is potentially useful information and stores it away for later without me actively 'wanting' to doing so.

I also do this with positive information. Like noting what sort of music someone likes or their favorite brand of energy drink so I can give them a better gift later.

But there's a decent amount of information in my head that could in theory be used to attack someone's status or induce a mental breakdown (oh, that person has trauma from the death of their father, that's good to know), or at least to manipulate them a little better.

And I make a conscious effort not to actually do that sort of thing for ill. I don't want to be evil.

But that leaves me with the little niggling doubt that other people are also noticing all the weird stuff I do and consciously choosing not to abuse that knowledge, and one day it could all burst out...

I used to have that. It's much less of an issue now. You could spend months or years gradually exposing yourself more and more to triggering stimuli or waste time with some midwit therapist who probably doesn't have the specific competence you need, but it's better to cut to the chase and heal the root of the issue. I addressed it with guided meditations that let me discover and edit my mental schemas and procedural memories. Even very deep, early conditioning that shaped your attachments to parental figures and unspoken knowledges about self, other and world can be changed as an adult. The brain doesn't differentiate between real and imaginally produced learning experiences. This type of self-treatment works very well IME. There are courses available. I have all the audio files for one that focuses specifically on this issue of secretiveness/shame/unspeakable or unthinkable parts of yourself. PM me if interested. That goes for others who read this, too. @PreformancePertension @Zephyr

For me what did it was job stress. The client is chasing me, we have a massive deal on the way. I don't care what the others think, I am setting my phone to loudspeaker so I can see what is shared on the screen in the zoom meeting in a public place. I have to get to the office asap, I don't give a bleep what the others in the checkout line think of me. Traveling has also helped. I have been super tired, a bit annoyed and I simply stopped caring.

It still haunts me to this day - I can say from years of therapy that what has helped (even if only a little) is deliberately sharing small things with someone you trust. Your body is going to reject it - I’d recommend making a ritual of it (like, you will tell your girlfriend one small thing you like before going to bed each night).

Is it 100% shame? Is any part of it "I don't want to let someone see what's on my screen because then they might talk to me about it and that sounds annoying"?

Yeah I'm kind of the same way, and I think it's mostly this -- for example, and interaction that started ~as soon as I learned to read and more or less persists to this day:

Annoying person: "Whatcha reading?"

Me, looking at them over the top of a book (which has an obvious title on the cover): "A book."

In neurotypical, this means "I want to talk to you and I am using the book as an icebreaker" (I don't know why they can't just say that, though). They will eventually go away if you show you are more interested in the book than in talking back.

In neurotypical, this means "I want to talk to you and I am using the book as an icebreaker" (I don't know why they can't just say that, though).

I figured this out by the time I was about 6, but "he wants to talk to me" != "I want to talk to him" -- IME supposedly neurotypical people are surprisingly bad at internalizing this...

They will eventually go away if you show you are more interested in the book than in talking back.

You'd think that my stock answer (followed by going back to my book, with maybe a penetrating stare thrown in) would be a strong hint, but people can be pretty persistent.

I know exactly what you mean, and I'd like to say I've moved past it, but I completely haven't.

I haven't experienced anything to this degree, but I also have felt scared to share personal stuff. It may sound lame but I do think some sort of therapeutic / emotional approach is warranted here. Or perhaps exposure therapy!

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