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“He lost his battle with mental health.”
I guess that’s the contemporary Facebook suitable euphemism for “committed suicide”.
Some of you may remember the roommate that I kicked out last year. He took his own life on Saturday morning after a 10/10 argument and crashout with his daughter. Things had been rough lately but I’d seen him earlier the night before at the bar and he seemed more or less himself, just buried in his phone reconnecting with a woman from his past after her breakup such that we didn’t really talk much. The last thing I told him was that we should get together on Sunday.
What do you even say? This story was never going to have a happy ending, but those of us close to him figured that his health would take him first, or a plausibly-accidental overdose. It’s never good news when you get called to the hospital, an escort is waiting to take you back, and a police officer walks in with the doctor. “Was he depressed or did he seem like he would hurt himself?” “I’ve heard the suicide talk so many times either as his former roommate or working at the bar that I would just say that I’d see him tomorrow.” “Was he diagnosed with a mental health condition and did he take any medication?” “What wasn’t he diagnosed with?” “Did he own a firearm?” “Yes, and now that you mention it I don’t think I’ll soon forget what it looked like. I’m guessing this is why I saw a bunch of cops and crime scene tape a few blocks from where he’d been staying when I went to pick her up?” “Yes sir.”
“I wish he’d called/said something. I didn’t know things were so bad.” Perhaps I’m overly grim by disposition (most likely true) or people really are insanely naive and think that things will just magically get better (true of that person I was delivering the news to; nice guy, though) but, really? This shouldn’t exactly have been a surprise, save coming from those who figured he lacked the guts to actually do it. His problems weren’t solvable by a pep talk, nor were they in any sense temporary.
“It’s my fault!” No, it isn’t. The last person he’d been crashing with had been the latest to reach the end of her rope (pun not intended) and told him that he had to go, but that doesn’t make it her fault so much as it made her the loser of the game of musical chairs (This is how I described it to her.). The fact is that everyone close to him at some point or another had done and tolerated what they could in attempting to help him. Some had more patience and resources than others but it invariably ended the same way: frustration and defeat before reaching some form of “I can’t do this anymore.” None of us who were in that hospital room have any reason to blame ourselves. Even in some fairytale alternate scenario where the right person in the right place got him through this bad night there was always going to be another one, and another one, and…you get the idea.
I don’t know at precisely what point our friendship became an exercise in palliative care, and I don’t know if most people think in such terms (I guess not, judging by the surprised reactions from so many.), but that’s what it was. Maybe this is going to sound weird but I find myself having grieved in advance of the event to some extent. I’m sad, but not shocked. I’ll do my part for those of us left behind and at some point the grief will subside and we’ll remember the end less and the better times we had together more. Goodbye, my friend, and damn it I’m sorry I couldn’t fix you. God knows I gave it my best shot.
Selfishly, I’m afraid the contenders for the next call are running a rapid race, and those are my father and sister. Those are going to hurt.
Oh yeah, bonus material: "Is his dog okay?" "Yes, and in fact it's been staying with a different friend for some time now." I'm pretty sure that's called foreshadowing.
I have a friend who is a Ketamine addict that I feel pretty sorry for but also can't let myself get too close to because he can say pretty hurtful stuff he doesn't even remember from the depths of his ketamine stupors and I can't always tell when he's in what state.
He didn't start out this way. He was selling weed for a bit on the darkweb in the early days and picked up some Bitcoin but then forgot about selling. Several years later his Bitcoin blew up into hundreds of thousands of dollars. He met a girl, bought a house, settled down and they tried to have kids. He would be house husband and she'd work in healthcare.
She miscarried four times in a row. They gave up trying. He started drinking and doing drugs because and couldn't find a job. She eventually divorced him. He just lives alone now and picks up odd jobs but gets fired because he keeps relapsing. A few months ago he ended up in the ER because he was doing Ketamine and cocaine and he stopped breathing and his junkie friend called 911.
I don't really know what to tell this guy in his 40s with no career prospects and rapidly depleting Bitcoin and a Ketamine addiction. To make matters worse he went on this Facebook tirade where he said he is actually kind of happy Trump won and 95% of his friends in this blue town disowned him.
I check on him once in awhile and offer a bit of advice and try to act like a sane voice of reason but I'm expecting to hear that he OD'd any month now.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about mourning someone in advance; my wife (and to a lesser extent I) did that with her brother who died last year. He was obviously circling the drain (he had really bad alcoholism), but that didn't necessarily make it easier when he finally did push his body too far. I hope that you are able to not blame yourself too much, and that you will be able to remember him as he was during the better times.
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Update on my summer legally-not-a-cult situation:
First, I did not spend $7500 to attend the retreat thing. I did observe the first night as a guest on Zoom (until I fell asleep, anyway), but that was largely just a mix of hype and the same stuff from the workshop I attended.
My friend did not reveal the secret sauce in the "breakthrough"s, but the rest ... sounds like Bay Area group-house stuff: long eye-gazing sessions with strangers, obligatory showering people in affection and praise... there was even a spontaneous cuddle-puddle in the room she was staying in on the last night (of phase 1; phase 2 is the end of this month).
It's painful listening to her wonder and joy at all the emotional expression and physical affection and positivity, meanwhile everything she says is something I've heard before in cautionary tales and I know saying so will probably backfire. Also she straight-up quoted Werner Erhard (with attribution) at one point. I at least take solice in her saying she's probably not doing it again after this. And while I'm no fan of death even for my enemies, the leader does seem to think-he's nearing the end of his life and is looking fora successor, but most of the enthusiasm is centered around him specifically.
Anyway, I'm planning on going to the homecoming after phase2, on the grounds that people feeling unloved is how they fall prey to this crap in the first place.
Oh, also, ad for a workshop I was invited to in July. I really thought something that ... that would be obvious to her, but here we are.
I'm mostly just frustrated because of all the conspicuously vulnerable people who showed up at the one I wrote about in June/July.
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Do we have any coffee experts here? :)
What equipment do you recommend for home brewing? I don't mind waiting 5-10 minutes for the cup to become ready. Lots of pleasant aroma filling my home would be a bonus.
What are good reasons for taking coffee seriously?
How much subjectively experienced variety is there in terms of bean types?
The best thing you can do is to buy a burr grinder, and grind your coffee immediately before brewing. The second best thing you can do is weigh your beans and water so you're using the same ratios each time. The third best thing you can do is brew for a specific time. I usually manage about 1.5/3 for myself.
I used an Aeropress until I also decided to stop cooking in plastic. Now I use a french press from Le Cresuet which has no plastic parts.
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Hario V60, gooseneck kettle, Baratza Encore/Capresso Infinity/OE Lido grinder. Krups blade grinder is acceptable for cheaper if you're on a budget. Brita filter or similar may be a good idea depending on the quality of your water. Freshly roasted beans--Happy Mug is a good start if there's nowhere near you.
I had my first really good cup of coffee and have spent fifteen years or so trying to recreate it at will, which is not an uncommon experience in the specialty coffee world. If you haven't had a cup that made you want to put effort into your home brewing, I don't suppose I'll be able to argue you into it, and if you have, nobody needs to argue you into it.
IMO, quite a lot. If you want to see for yourself, find a specialty coffee place near you and try a bunch of different brews. Also relevant to your second question, obviously.
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I bought an AeroPress about five years ago and use it every day. (Being made of plastic, it's almost impossible to break, unlike the French press I bought the year before which I carelessly shattered a few months later.) When we moved into our apartment a few months ago, the owner had one of those Nespresso knockoffs that consumes pods. We tried it for awhile, but quickly went back to the AeroPress because we preferred the taste.
I don't think I want any plastic in contact with hot water. :-I An Aeropress made of other materials might be interesting though. Do you mind saying a bit more about how you notice the difference in taste, compared to, say, insta-coffee, which any enthusiast apparently refuses to drink?
I'm considering a Chemex ("pour-over" made of glass, with paper filters you have to buy from the same producer at not insignificant running cost) but it looks a bit too hipster-y for my liking. And having to tie that leather knot, hmm. Not sure...
I think using freshly ground beans just results in a much richer, smoother flavour compared to instant coffee. I'd say the flavour has more to do with the fact of using beans rather than the brewing implement used - if you gave me a blind taste test of an americano brewed using an AeroPress and another brewed with a French press (but using the same beans in the same quantity), I'm not sure I'd be able to tell the difference. The main advantages of an AeroPress lie in its ease of use, its robust, non-fragile design compared to the French press, and the fact that it's better-suited to making espressos than French presses (as my preferred coffee is a cappuccino). But if plastic in contact with hot water is a no-no for you, I don't know what other advice I can offer, other than that I've heard moka pots tend to burn the coffee.
Out of curiosity I looked up whether AeroPresses contain BPA or phthalates, and apparently not, which is a relief as we've just recently replaced almost all of our plastic lunchboxes with glass ones.
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