The Wednesday Wellness threads are meant to encourage users to ask for and provide advice and motivation to improve their lives. It isn't intended as a 'containment thread' and any content which could go here could instead be posted in its own thread. You could post:
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Requests for advice and / or encouragement. On basically any topic and for any scale of problem.
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Updates to let us know how you are doing. This provides valuable feedback on past advice / encouragement and will hopefully make people feel a little more motivated to follow through. If you want to be reminded to post your update, see the post titled 'update reminders', below.
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Advice. This can be in response to a request for advice or just something that you think could be generally useful for many people here.
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Encouragement. Probably best directed at specific users, but if you feel like just encouraging people in general I don't think anyone is going to object. I don't think I really need to say this, but just to be clear; encouragement should have a generally positive tone and not shame people (if people feel that shame might be an effective tool for motivating people, please discuss this so we can form a group consensus on how to use it rather than just trying it).
Jump in the discussion.
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(Reposted because it's obviously still bugging me, since it was the last time a woman expressed fondness for me, and my one Hinge match unmatched me after agreeing to a date this week)
The other week, a woman managed to talk her way out of getting laid.
Cute, curvy, African-American, hair with the double-buns and side curlies, sitting at a cocktail bar, reading a book. I went in with no expectations, just asked her about her book. Initially the conversation was just fine. Good, even. Then she turned out to be a sociology grad student, and I got a bit worried I was gonna be subjected to Academic language. And I was, she said White Supremacy three times over the course of five sentences.
Then she said I "sounded Conservative." I can only guess she was referring to my wisconsin accent (or sperg accent).
Other choice quotes from her:
I think to myself "waaaaait a minute, am I being ...shit-tested? I thought that was made up by internet misogynists."
I'm sure she thought she was being cute and playful, but I just found it all tiresome and off-putting. I'm too old for this tsundere schtick, and this isn't one of my Japanese animes. The next topics of conversation all seem to center on men and what trash they all are. Something about catcalling and 16-year-olds.
By the end of the night, I'm walking her to her corner, then it turns out her place is just down the block, so we're at her doorstep. I'm still making out with her, it's getting hot and heavy, and I realize...this isn't worth it. This chick is super-reactive to every little thing, I've only gotten this far by nodding and smiling, eventually I'm going to say something that she'll twist into being offensive. I don't want to just get laid, I want to interact socially with someone I like AND fuck them, regularly. Also, I frankly think there's some weird racial/ideological component to her attraction to me, which I don't appreciate. It's ironic that, in practice, black women seem to hate white men less than white women do.
So instead of asking to come in, as she obviously wants me to, I take my leave, send her the "home safe" text, and nothing further. She did say earlier "I'm not going home with you" so obviously I was misinterpreting the situation and would have been accused of something-or-other. She wouldn't have lied, right?
Do women know how much they actively repel men? If they think they're trying to filter out "Conservatives", they're not, they're selecting for guys who nod and smile and wait for their pants to come off. Or is this just what they're like all the time and they forget to turn it off around guys they want to fuck? Obviously I have issues and resentments with women, but at least I can keep it to myself briefly when I'm in front of someone who I want to like me.
This is going to sound contraversial and culture-warry but I'll try to say this tactfully. I feel like the fact that this woman was black is very relevant here. Like they seem cuturally just way more open and blunt in pursuing both romance and hookups, not only the men but the women too. Twice, I was just standing on a street corner and a random black lady started talking to me, and then switch into flirting with me very heavily. I know that's not a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice, and they were both black, I just can't imagine a white or asian lady ever doing that unless she was trying to sell me something. But since the lady in your story was studying sociology and using academic language, I'm going to guess she also spent a lot of time around mostly-white spaces, which might result in her feeling a bit lost and mixed up culturally, even on top of all the contradictions baked in to academic sociology.
But who knows I'm speculating wildly about someone that I've never met, in a highly personal situation.
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I think I already told you this, but in case not, you really need to get away from wherever you, ASAP. You're miserable, and all your encounters with the (un-)fair sex sound unhinged.
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I'm not really sure what you're asking us, frankly. You could have had sex with a particular woman, but then you realised you didn't want to. What are you confused about?
I thought it was a novel enough scenario, since usually it's men talking themselves out of getting laid by saying something that's a Red Flag or an Ick. And it's frustrating because this is the closest I get to someone acting as if they like me, and they still seem to hate me.
I guess the question goes back to: "are women being intentionally unpleasant and political as some sort of ideological test, or do they just think this is how people talk? Because it mostly felt like argument bait."
Hmm. I suppose the difference is that women are generally not that interested in casual sex, while men are. It's easy for people of either sex to say something that the other person interprets as indicative of incompatibility for a committed romantic relationship. The sex difference emerges in that, if a man says something like this, the woman he's with probably won't have much interest in having sex with him; whereas if a woman says something like this, that won't necessarily stop a man from having sex with her if the opportunity presents itself. When I was single and horny, a woman whom I found physically attractive would have to come out with some really crazy unhinged shit before I move her to the "don't smash" category.
The difference in this case is that you're not looking for casual sex, but for a committed romantic partner, and you don't want to settle for fucking someone who you find annoying. And you know what? Good for you. I really respect that.
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Stonetoss needs a better search function, but here's the strip that is practically about your situation.
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Not sure how you're seeing this as a failure; it sounds like a reasonably skilled exchange of information that led to appropriate decisionmaking on both sides?
You say you don't want sex outside a longer-term romantic relationship with someone you like. If she's a typical woman, she also doesn't want sex outside a longer-term relationship with somebody she likes and who genuinely likes her. So over the course of the evening, she tried to be honest about her politics while probing you for yours, while simultaneously trying to keep things playful/flirty and make it clear she was physically attracted to you.
I'm not seeing how this could be construed as a "shit test" or as any kind of failure of communication. The reality was that you are mutually politically incompatible and it sounds like you both care about that, so a relationship was always off the table, hence sex was rightly off the table for both of you. I'm sure she was disappointed that this chance encounter didn't lead to a long-term connection with someone of a sympathetic worldview, but again, that was never going to be the case, because that's not who the two of you are. Do you think she would have gotten much out of a sexual encounter with someone who, it later emerged, had "issues and resentments" with her (and presumably was also the subject of issues and resentments on her end, as well)?
But for someone who wants a longer-term relationship, there's not much point in just appearing briefly likeable, is there? Better to be honest.
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I can assure you that it was not. The term probably was though.
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Consciously or not, they’re screening for dominant men who don’t take them seriously, regard them as silly playthings, and will swat away their shittests and lead interactions forward.
The more seriously you take her, the less room she has psychologically to have FUN through teeheeing around and being her girly self. To paraphrase a popular female saying:
If he brings out the mother in you, you’re dating a boy.If he brings out the inner man in you, you’re dating a loser.
If he brings out the inner child in you, you’re dating a man.
What's the original saying?
Don’t know if there’s a canonical version, but it should be close to how I paraphrased it. One of the first search results:
If he brings out the child in you, you’re dating a man.
If he brings out the mother in you, you're dating a boy.
If he brings out the inner man in you, you're dating a loser.
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If you wanted to ride the whirlwind, right after she first used the phrase, you should've said something like, "if you play your cards right, I'll show you some white supremacy," and then given her a deadpan-but-menacing look. (@Sloot can undoubtedly provide a much better line).
But seriously, you took the wise course. There is a certain type of woman whose behavior goes far beyond shit tests. It is sometimes presented in the context of "being a brat," but it involves behaving like a poorly socialized toddler and wanting a man who will put her in line. They are not happy unless all interactions are a power struggle where they can try to act however they want and the man has to corral them. Reasoning, cooperation, mutual respect, and the like all mean nothing. For them, a man must be able to make her submit to his authority, or he's weak and not worthy of her.
I have encountered several such women and found interactions with them exhausting. It seems like they are after physical violence (and I don't mean a fun spanking) because the bad behavior reaches a point where a backhand is the only correction. I'm a boring PMC white guy and my pimp hand is weak--using violence to keep a woman in line is not in my DNA. Aside from that, I'd also like to avoid DV convictions.
There is no long-term potential with women like that unless you're Iceberg Slim.
Pretty sure if I had tried anything like that, I would have gotten an affronted "how dare you" reaction.
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Previous discussion (buried in a culture-war thread rather than top-level)
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I don't know why but this bulk has been unexpectedly difficult. Eating this much has been wrecking my sleep. Every single night, I go to bed feeling full and bloated. I can feel the contents of my stomach and it's uncomfortable to lay down on my back. I end up just laying there uncomfortable as fuck, not being able to fall asleep. I've tried eating my last meal at 6pm, but still, 6 hours later, I was bloated. I'm now trying to frontload at least 60% of my daily carbs consumption to the start of the day. It's difficult because if I overdo it, I end up being bloated at the gym and that's not great either. At least I'm finally gaining weight now and I'm seeing progress at the gym. Hopefully I can keep this up for at least a few more months.
It's funny to read something like this (I have the same problem if I'm trying to eat big) when you can look around and see the average American has apparently no problem eating 3k+ calories per day and feeling full, if not bloated, most of the time. If I do a solid 3 meals per day, I'm still full from breakfast when I'm trying to eat lunch, and still full from lunch when trying to eat dinner. It's uncomfortable at best, but somehow all these people around me have discovered a way to power through...
Volume is probably a big factor in the fullness experience. When a person is bulking they're usually trying to become a healthy person, which means doing a somewhat "clean bulk" instead of a "dirty bulk".
Eating clean entails eating food that isn't packed with highly caloric sugars and fats... But rather whole foods that take up more physical space per calorie.
If someone is trying to get the "recommended daily intake of vegetables and fruits" (a pretty herculean task, honestly), they will be shoving a whole lot of mass through their digestive system every day.
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Yes, this is exactly what I was thinking too. I eat foods that are very voluminous, and average American probably gets large chunk of those calories from processed foods loaded with fats. One time I had some dubai chocolate mousse cake cup and that thing was third of my palm in size and was 500 calories, loaded with sugar and fats. My usual dinner carb of choice is 700gr of potatoes and that is also 500 calories.
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Hey bro, also bulking after a hard fight gaining weight. How much are you shitting? I feel like I'm shitting all the time on the bulk. I'm getting a good chunk of my protein and carbs from fruit smoothies with protein powder. Maybe shifting some calories to liquid will make it easier to drop volume to sleep. My sleep quality has gone down also, but I'm eating up to an hour until I go to bed.
2-3 times a day at least, sometimes 4. This is also an annoying problem, just having up to 30% of my day revolve around cooking/eating/shitting. I do eat a lot of fruits and drink a protein shake in the morning.
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I'm now on a glp1, as of Tuesday.
End of the summer was rough for my health routines. Lots of bad food, drinking every day, and the one sport I play to stay in shape was just not available. Gained about 15 pounds over the summer, my A1C hit 7, and I'm sure the blood results l be getting back won't have good news.
It was surprisingly easy to get it my doctor had a sample pack on hand. I was in there for a routine physical and walked out with 4 weeks of medicine.
Only had one meal today and didn't feel hungry, or hangry. Side effects apparently peak two days after taking the shot. I'll see how bad it gets, but I'm expecting mild symptoms or at least things that I consider highly tolerable.
My wife seems mildly disappointed in doing it. I want to suggest that she should join me. A couple that sticks together sticks together.
Funny timing: I restarted oral semaglutide yesterday. I think you made the right call.
I'd lost a few kilos the traditional way, which in my case meant eating less, running myself into the ground at work, and taking moderate doses of prescription stimulants. Then it plateaued. For months. Still in the overweight range by the charts. After contemplating it on and off for a good while, I bit the bullet.
I skipped the titration schedule, same as last time. Mother didn't raise no pussy, but she did raise an impatient gentleman. Day one brought mild queasiness. Day two has been fine. The appetite effect is subtle so far, and seems to work mostly by early satiety, so I eat less per meal without any change in how often I think about food. It'll take several days to reach steady state, but I feel it anyway.
(Getting this through the NHS is close to impossible unless you're roughly truck-shaped , and it has to be prescribed within a Tier 3 or 4 specialist service, not by your GP. I happened to have plenty left over from a trip to India)
Do I need it? No. Do I have preferences about my own body that the word "need" fails to capture? Yes. That's true for most people, I just happen to have a degree adjacent to the topic.
What I'd want your wife to hear is about my mother:
She has diabetes and obesity, and her liver was paying for both. The kind of situation where nothing hurts until it's already quite bad. For years I carried a low-grade background dread that I'd lose her within a decade or two. I talked her into starting semaglutide. Her liver turned around.
She still has plenty of weight to lose, but I'm less terrified of losing her.
Tell your wife that. When someone you love becomes healthier and is likelier to be around longer, the available emotions are relief and gratitude. Disappointment is a shite dessert.
I'm now trying to get my mother back to her endocrinologist to raise her dose again, or to switch to the injections. I'd like my father on it too. He isn't obese by the numbers, but he has the beer belly, minus most of the beer, since Indian fat distribution handles that part unassisted. He isn't listening to me. Parents rarely do. I'm glad mine occasionally listen without me having to go and poke them with a needle myself.
We live in an age of miracles. It seems a shame to leave them on the shelf. I've taken them out of the luggage at the least.
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I'm leaning towards doing this. Probably starting out with my GP and then... well doing my research as others have.
Let us know how it goes for you. I'm a keto enjoyer, but I yo-yo when I'm off it.
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Working out: I've been going to the gym 2-3 times a week for the last couple of months. This is my first regular habit since the pandemic broke my previous one so I'm happy about that. A few days ago I admitted my hip injury from moving in march wasn't going to go away on its own so I am doing some exercises which seem to be helping (its not bad enough to cause a limp so ignoring it doesn't feel irresponsible but it has dragged on a bit). I would like to build a regular yoga habit for days I don't go to the gym but those are hard for me because I get bored and wander off. At least on the exercise bike I can listen to an audiobook AND play a puzzle. I once had a yoga while watching desperate housewives habit, maybe I should pick something like that again.
Digital wellness: I've been actively cutting back on algorithm internet for several months. I started with a 9 day full fast and since then I've been just trying to log it and keep an eye on the numbers. On vacation, other than on the airplane, I pretty much stopped logging it and that was fine but then I kept up a much higher habit when I got home so I did a weekend total fast from twitter which was probably good for me I feel more balanced and less stressed. I actually didn't feel tempted at all but maybe that was because I was still using youtube.
Socializing: I went to my third timeleft dinner last week and it was the first time I've really not been happy I went. The conversation ranged from things that bore me to tears (heavy metal and band recommendations) to keeping-my-mouth-shut-around-strangers when people talked about polyamory and a dude recently having a breakup where he cheated on his girlfriend and he wasn't unhappy he'd hurt her, just that she hates him now. I mostly think of myself as an ambivert but this wore my batteries all the way down and kind of made me hate strangers. And then I added two first dates over the weekend and I'm just socially tapped out on people I don't know.
Dating: I've been on three first dates in the last month. I have current pictures taken for a friend who did a great job (lots of poses, three outfits, tons of pictures to choose from) and I'm at my thinnest in 20+ years so at least I don't have to be worried men will feel catfished. That said dating in your 40s is harder for women, even in the bay area, and I am struggling to use hinge in an effective way. "Looking young" is an advantage IRL but not on apps. Okcupid at least you used to be able to trust the algorithm to prioritize what you care about (intelligence, for me). Hinge is where everyone is but the information is so minimal. I also wish there was a default profile question where people would say they were separated but not divorced. Its such an awkward conversation to have but apparently one you need to have at this bracket (I understand why people date before they are divorced but I am not willing to date them).
Intellectual: I just finished my second masters and I need a project. I'm considering doing the UCLA extension class on tv writing but that might be completely insane, to finish two years of online grad school and then jump back into it. I just got my sundays back! Other projects I've considered is getting into game jams and light game development or actually going back and finishing one of the novels I started last decade.
Why? Do you think they might be lying to you about being separated? Or are you afraid the soon to be ex-wife might decide you're the reason the marriage fell apart?
I mean, there's a reason that divorce is like #2 on the list of major life stressors or whatever. It's a lot for someone to deal with, come to terms with, find peace with, etc., and IMAO the vast majority of the time, both parties had some level of their own issues coming out to play. Ideally, each party would be honest enough and introspective enough to reflect on their own part in the failure of the marriage, and even if they believed said failure was an eventuality, they'd find at least some of their own issues and start working on them, and those sorts of changes take their time. And in the meantime, sex and relationships can be just as stimulating, captivating, and enslaving as any good drug.
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Why don't I want to date people that are separated but not divorced? Lying is of course one possibility but even in a good faith situation I don't want to fall for someone but be a rebound when they aren't ready or (other side of the coin) be with someone who doesn't take time to recover and reflect between relationships because they are so desperate to be in a relationship. I'm at an age where a lot of divorced men have kids, and I want there to be enough time since the divorce for that new normal to have settled for everyone involved.
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I'm looking at getting back into building an atrophied social network in my 40's and I'm kind of dreading this. I'm a Meetup veteran and what you've written is exactly my past experience. You meet people that don't have established social networks which is why they are at these events. For some they've moved to a new town or are newly single. For others they have been rejected many many times for friendship before they came to this point. It reminds me of online dating which is another social pool that collects people unsuitable for relationships through some weird type of evaporative cooling.
Just wanted to say that you probably aren't doing anything wrong. On the other hand, its always good to be able to build tolerance and its an opportunity to socialise with people from all walks of life. Easier said than done, I know. Pace yourself.
One of these days I might do a writeup on Meetup, but my experience is ten years out of date.
Before Covid I went to a couple meetups just to try and meet people in DC who weren't working in politics, and my experience was that the right move on meetups is to go to ones for hobbies that well-adjusted people do, but where they need a meetup to find fellow hobbyists. Recall the writers' meetups being particularly good.
I've been wondering about how to go about it the right way. Thankfully I'm not in the situation to need it, but maybe once I'm older?
In any case, having kids has also been a blessing to get into contact with more people that I'd otherwise not associate with, but who nevertheless are disproportionally very nice and functional, but it's obviously not easy to replicate.
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What exercises do you like for weird hip stuff? Like your standard Cossack squat, clamshell, fire-hydrant circles type of thing; or did you dig up something more exotic?
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I've actually just joined my first game jam, Adventures for one-page RPGs, which seemed like a good way to dip my toes in the water -- we'll see if I can actually force myself to carry through!
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For the month of September I'm doing a thing for charity where I have to run a certain number of miles in the month. Having been focused on strength training for the last couple of years, it's good to get back into cardio, and I forgot how much I enjoyed a long run on the road as opposed to the treadmill. I ran a half-marathon last weekend (completing it just shy of two hours) and am planning to do another this Saturday. I'd love to get to a time of 1:45, but I'd settle for 1:50.
A half marathon is pretty cool! But I'd never run one. The farthest I could ever imagine wanting to run would be a 10k. Nice time!
I ran a 5k today in 28:27. My best time so far! Though I haven't run very many 5ks. I think this might have been my 5th one. These days, though, if I run more than 2 miles, I get some pain on the inside of my left knee, which is lame. Someday I want to run one under 27 minutes. I probably would have made it under that time if I didn't walk for a minute or so, so the goal is not too far off. Running through the street through downtown is pretty cool.
I guess my current fitness goal is to be able to press the 24 kilogram kettlebell I got.
Thanks a lot. I ran another half-marathon this morning, although with no improvement over the pace I set last week. In my defense, I was hungover and had only gotten about six hours' sleep. Curious to see how fast I can go with a good night's sleep and no drink taken.
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Dayum. How much life experience do you have running that you just pulled off a sub 2 half marathon cold?
Not quite as impressive as it sounds: I also did a half-marathon two weeks before that. But that one was the first long run (>10km) I'd done in about a year and a half.
I still think its kind of as impressive as it sounds.
Well, consider me flattered.
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New Year's resolution check-in:
How goes it @self_made_human, @thejdizzler, @birb_cromble, @ThomasdelVasto and @falling-star?
Been tracking my calories more consistently after enlisting a friend to expect daily screenshots. Up 3 pounds in the last month. Trying to lock in for a yearly event at the end of the month. The past two times I've been it was full of girls my type and in my league.
My progress on squats is unreal. I'm already back to struggling to fit into jeans. Daily fruit smoothies with a fuck ton of protein powder might have solved my previous lifting bottleneck.
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Spending is $2,267.27 lower than the same day last year.
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A sub 6:00 mile for the full 5k is bad?
The best mile I ever ran in my life was 5:58 and I literally spent the rest of the day coughing blood. How do you do it?
For context my PR is in the 14:50s. I've run that pace for a half-marathon before, but have gotten fat the past few years so am slower.
I started running when I was in 7th grade and slowly built mileage throughout high school, college, and the first few years of grad school, which resulted in my peak fitness in 2021 with PRs of 14:54 in the 5k, 30:40 in the 10k and 4:17 in the mile. The key was just lots and lots of running, a substantial amount of swimming and biking, and some lifting. As well as heavy dose of natural talent.
Since not being part of an NCAA team, I've gotten slower and really since 2024 where I got COVID and then proceded to gain 20 pounds in a matter of months, my fitness has definitely taken a hit. I'm trying to get back into it though and have lost most of the weight I want to and am back to good mileage (67/week). So hoping it's just a matter of time.
Big tip from me would be to slow everything down. A lot of people end up running pretty hard on what is supposed to be their easy run, my past self included. Not only does this inhibit the system you are trying to train (your aerobic system), but it also reduces the amount of training you can handle and makes you hate running. If you really want to get better, I would suggest buying a heart rate monitor and capping all your easy runs at 60-65% of your max heart rate. This is going to feel really slow and you may have to walk all uphills, but you'll quickly see improvement. About 1-2 of your days you can go as hard as you want, but most runs should be this easy.
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I'll let @thejdizzler comment on his training for himself. But don't discount his elite level dedication to diet.
Reading that, it makes sense. He puts as much effort into running as I do into lifting.
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No exercise other than running around at work. I still intend to cancel my gym membership as a lost cause.
I have other things I would love to talk about, but due to a catastrophic failure of OPSEC, I can't. They know where to find me. Hello.
Otherwise, I continue being the best I've ever been, really. Long time coming.
Cancel your gym membership? You've been holding out on us that you can perform miracles. Maybe it is different in the UK but in Japan you don't just "cancel" your gym membership. Basically you need to hack off a finger to successfully end a gym contract. Even then you must do so a month before you actually will have your membership terminated.
I'm being facetious obviously but one of the reasons I hesitated to join my local gym was because of the bureaucratic cartwheeling necessary to quit a gym. Some years ago I was moving away from a town (where I am now back) and needed to end my membership (at a different place than I ended up joining recently) and was flatly told that it was impossible to do so. The desk girl, with whom up until that moment I had had a cordial relationship, suddenly turned flat and went extremely cool. Ultimately I did quit but they were not at all happy about it, and I think I would not be welcome there if I tried to re-up. They had a pool, too, it's too bad.
It is a pain, which is why I have been paying for it for a year and have gone about half as many times as there are months.
I'd need to call and email them, and it would only kick in after the next billing cycle, with a month's notice. This has been effective at squeezing plenty of money out of me.
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I think you will enjoy this comedy sketch.
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